As babies, your twins may have been fed, clothed and bathed together to help simplify an extremely busy parenting schedule. But as twins grow older, most parents don't want their twins to be carbon copies of each other. How can their individuality be encouraged, and what can you do to help build it?

Marty Kent of Boston Heights, Ohio is the mother of six, including two sets of fraternal twins. Her experiences in raising 11-year-old twins Rachel and Jessica and 4-year-olds Jared and Matthew have taught her much about individuality.

"I didn't really raise mine as twins but as individuals," Kent says. "Often outsiders tend to look at your kids as twins more than you do."

Eileen M. Pearlman of Los Angeles, Calif., a licensed therapist who specializes in working with multiples, says parents can make a big difference. "Parents need to educate themselves and others about how to treat their twins as individuals," she says. "The stage should be set early in your children's lives." Pearlman is the director of Twinsight, a counseling practice in Santa Monica, Calif. and has also co-authored the book Raising Twins: What Parents Want to Know (and What Twins Want to Tell Them) with Jill Alison Ganon (HarperCollins, 2000).

Try the following 10 tips to help you treat your twin toddlers like individuals and to help others avoid viewing them as a package deal.

1. Refer to each child by his single name. Avoid labels like "the twins," "the boys" or "the girls." Use each child's given name instead, like Emily and Sara, for example. To prevent fusing the children's two names together and using it as one name (i.e. EmilyandSara), vary the order in which the names are used. Intermingling the use of "Sara and Emily" with "Emily and Sara" will also prohibit giving one twin top billing. Pearlman advises telling friends and family members, "I know it's easier to call them one name, but our kids are two separate people. We like to encourage that by using their individual names."

2. Avoid labels. Refrain from referring to members of your duo as "the smart one," "the artistic one," "the scientist," etc. "Labels limit twins' potential," says Pearlman.

3. Use identifiers to help others know who's who. Giving each toddler an identifying object such as different colored shoelaces can be an easy way to instruct others on how to tell your twosome apart. Knowing that Mark has green shoelaces and Danny's are yellow, for example, will help discourage people from making their own comparisons based on appearance like, "He's the heavier one," or "He's the shorter one." Pearlman offers some other identifiers. "Different colored bibs, pacifier strings, different haircuts or different hair styles such as one ponytail for one girl and two for another may also be used to help differentiate between toddler twins," she says.

4. Dress similarly instead of identically. Renee Natoli of Northfield Center, Ohio is the mother of 3-year-old fraternal twins Dean and Dominic. She feels purchasing the same outfit in two different colors for her sons have helped them become aware of their individuality. "Dressing similar teaches my boys that they are unique and that they have some things that are their own," says Natoli. She's also observed that it's helped introduce the concept of sharing. "If Dominic wants to wear Dean's dinosaur shirt instead of his own truck shirt, I'll tell him it belongs to Dean and that he has to ask him," says Natoli. Kent feels it's easier to dress twins alike and that toddlers usually want exactly what another child has anyhow. Pearlman maintains that dressing toddler twins alike is OK – occasionally. "Sometimes they want to be dressed alike," she says. "At the toddler age, parents can start giving them a choice." Separate drawers for each twin's clothing can also promote the concept that some items are personal property.

5. Go solo with each twin. The chance to be alone with each twin separately can enrich the whole family. A toddler may enjoy a trip to the park or playground with just Mom or Dad. While one twin will receive your undivided attention, the other may bond with other family members or friends. Pearlman suggests having one or two compact strollers in addition to the side-by-side stroller for easy use on those solo excursions. She also encourages alternating which child goes with which parent on solo outings to help family relationships develop.

6. Carefully observe each child's interests. Providing structured and unstructured playtimes will help you see each child's strengths. Terri Morilak of Bedford, Ohio found it helpful to watch for what her fraternal twin daughters, Katie and Becky, enjoyed. "I let them tell me what they preferred," she says. "I didn't try to force them into what I thought was the image of twins. Parents can save themselves a lot of grief if they watch for these cues." During playtime, Natoli also found it was helpful to avoid forcing each child to do what his twin was doing. "One of my sons loves coloring," Natoli says. "The other pretends the crayons are logs and uses them as cargo in his toy trucks. Instead of forcing him to color, I eventually realized he was being creative in his own way."

7. Provide individual praise and affection, and make sure both children receive their fair share. Foster both verbal and nonverbal one-on-one communication. "Touching, hugging, smiling and eye contact are areas where equal may not be the same," says Pearlman. "A parent tries to respond to the real needs of each child at a particular time."

8. Incorporate each individual into the dual birthday celebration. "Twins will always share a birthday, and toddler twins will probably share a birthday celebration," Natoli notes. Over the years both she and Morilak have used the following ideas to allow each of their twins to enjoy that special day that he shares with a sibling:
   • Provide each twin with his own cake in whatever flavor and theme he chooses.
   • Sing "Happy Birthday" twice with each twin taking a turn to blow out his own candles. Some moms even record in a notebook or journal which twin is sung to first. Writing this down will help ensure that next year the order is reversed.
   • Give separate presents and cards for each child to open to help develop the individuality concept, too.

9. Use humor to divert comparisons. Despite all your attempts to emphasize the individuality of your twins and to educate extended family members, comparisons are inevitable. Well-meaning strangers are usually the worst offenders. Keeping your sense of humor can help you respond. For example, a mom's light-hearted response to "Which one is smarter?" might be "I think I am!"

10. Enjoy your twin toddlers and remember to nurture the natural bond between them as well as to encourage their individualism. "If you try to discourage that bond, you'll hurt them more than help them," says Kent.

Dr. Arnold Friedman, a pediatrician in Cleveland, Ohio for more than 30 years, relishes the relationship he has had with his identical twin brother, Seymour. "Being a twin was a big plus in my life," he says. "Parents of toddlers can enjoy one big advantage, too. Twins are their own entertainment committee!"

Want to see more?

• Double Trouble: Twins and the Terrible Twos
• Twin Language: Talking the Same Talk
• Built-in Playmates: Encouraging Positive, Cooperative Play
• Talk about it!

About the Author: Nancy Vondrak is a freelance writer.