Most parents want to teach their toddlers to be kind to others, to be compassionate and sincere, to share toys and patiently wait their turn on the slide at the park, to hug instead of hit, to express anger and disappointment without hurting someone else.

But what about parents who aren't bothered by their children's violent outbursts? It's a tough call for Mary* when Alice's* toddler repeatedly hits Mary's toddler, but Alice ignores the situation. Mary can't stand back and watch her child get hurt, yet it isn't her role to discipline Alice's child. Also, if Mary ignores the situation, she is sending mixed signals to her toddler -- that hitting is acceptable, or even worse, that her child may not hit others but others may hit him. It is possible, however, for a parent to protect their child from further harm in such a situation, and to reinforce the message that hitting is not allowed. This can be done without an ugly confrontation with the other parent.

Cooperative Problem Solving
Let's look at the Mary and Alice scenario mentioned above. Mary realized, after Alice watched her toddler hit Mary's toddler for the third time, that Alice was not going to stop the behavior. Understandably, Mary cannot allow her child to be at the end of an angry clenched fist any longer, and her goal is to prevent further physical and emotional harm to her toddler. By picking up her toddler and removing him from harm, Mary has stopped the hurtful actions towards her son. However, her son is hurt both inside and outside, and those feelings need to be addressed. Mary's next step is to say to Alice, "Ben is feeling very sad right now because Max hurt him when he hit him. Can you and Max say something to make Ben feel better and can you work with me to see that this doesn't happen again?"

Hopefully, Mary has shown both her son and Alice's son that hitting is unacceptable and will not be tolerated -- and she has done so without starting an angry confrontation with Alice. In a perfect world, Alice will think twice before ignoring her son's aggression towards another toddler in the future.

Toddlers, says Blaweiss, "are very egocentric and have not reached the developmental level of cooperative play. Rather, they engage in parallel play, or playing alongside each other." Because of this, one may act aggressively towards another. She recommends "time-out" as the most effective approach to teach young children proper behavior. The time out should be initiated immediately and calmly (one minute of time out for each year in the child's age), followed by a verbal explanation of the behavior that was not acceptable.

Shifting Blame
Sometimes the best intentions may anger another parent. Melanie from Alabama was strolling through a local mall with her son when another child approached him and started hitting him with a balloon. Melanie and her son walked away from the situation, yet the other child, a girl, followed them, continually hitting Melanie's son with the balloon. The girl's mother and another adult present never said a word to the girl, and Melanie suspects that this may be because the weapon was "just a balloon." When Melanie stepped between her son and the girl to block the hits the girl's mother finally said something: "Did you shove her?" -- directed at Melanie.

Cheryl from Pennsylvania lives next door to two boys who often hit her sons. The mother of the two boys is never outside when they are playing, and doesn't witness her sons hitting Cheryl's children. When Cheryl reported the hitting to her neighbor, the response was, "Well, what did your son do to mine to make him hit him?" Cheryl feels that her neighbor is in denial regarding her son's behavior. "What could my son possibly have done that would have made it OK for him to get hit?" says Cheryl.

It may be more difficult to work out toddler aggression problems with strangers at the mall and casual acquaintances than with a friend. But the situation is likely to come up sometime at a park, grocery store or any other public establishment, so you should be prepared to handle it quickly and effectively.

*Name has been changed.