When Kathy Kraik's friend proclaimed that her one-year-old child knew more than 50 words, Kathy wilted inside. Did her own one-year-old son, Tyler, know as many? When she got home, she tried to get Tyler to say every word she knew he could -- and some she knew he couldn't. She made a list, and by the time her husband came home, Tyler was cranky. Kathy's husband rolled his eyes and promptly took Tyler to the park.

Kathy's story isn't unusual. It's natural to compare one child to another. Parents want to know if their child is "normal," especially in the first years, when many have limited contact with other children their age. In recent years, countless studies have tried to predict how a child will do in school by looking at when he reaches developmental milestones. A great deal of pressure has been placed on parents to ensure their children are performing appropriately for their age.

Wait For Your Child
Lori Tatakis, an early childhood educator in Kitchener, Ontario, Canada points out that children develop at different speeds. Toilet training and reading are big issues with parents, Tatakis notes. Some children train at 18 months while others hold off until they are 4 years old. Parents may worry that their child will be entering school still in diapers and pass those worries on to their youngsters. "Children are so sensitive, and they will pick up very quickly on pride or disappointment," says Tatakis, who has seen firsthand the negative effects pressure can play in a child's self esteem. She maintains that it's important to accept our children for who they are. "Their time will come when they are ready."

Very often, first-born children reach all the milestones at an astounding rate. Because there is no competition in the house, a first born is given all the attention. Subsequent children may be initially delayed in speaking or motor skills. However, as these children outgrow their desire to let big brother or sister do everything for them, their learning curve spikes. Most parents of multiple children will be quick to point out that speed at acquiring skills has little to do with later success.

As a kindergarten teacher, Kathy knows that children develop at different rates, yet even she was concerned about Tyler. Once she recognized her mistake, she set out to embrace Tyler's individuality, and she does the same in her classroom. "We can put one child's behavior up as a positive example without comparing. For example, 'I like the way Sam is sitting quietly,' instead of, "Why can't you sit quietly like Sam?'"

Each child is like a precious butterfly emerging from a cocoon. The cocoon needs sunshine, warmth and a safe place to develop. The butterfly needs time to emerge and time again for its wings to dry before it takes to flight. If we break open the cocoon and pull the child out too quickly, his wings will turn brittle and he may never be able to fly. If we nurture and support him, he will find his own wings and soar at his own level.

Nancy Joron in Nanaimo, British Columbia never compares her children and won't allow others to do so, either. "When people start to compare them, I remind them that these are two different people. They share the same last name and live in the same house, but the 'sameness' ends there." Nancy says she and her husband always try to find a special quality in each of their children and try to build up their self-esteem through that special quality.

Describe Your Feelings
As children grow, they may experience your praise of a sibling as a criticism to themselves. Choose your words carefully in order to avoid these unwitting comparisons. Describe what the child might be feeling: "You must be really proud of yourself," instead of comparing one child favorably to another: "Why can't you use the toilet like..." Try describing what you see: "You look very uncomfortable in that messy diaper." Describe what you feel: "It upsets me when you make a mess like that." Describe what needs to be done: "Tell me when you need to use the toilet."

By comparing our children, we may push them into being bad just so they can be good at something. If a child only hears that his older sibling is wonderful and never hears anything positive about himself, he may look for attention -- and even negative attention will suffice. If we focus on the child as an individual rather than on his accomplishments, we set him up for success.

Don't Become a Control Freak
If a child has good receptive language and is not using words, try focusing on what the child does use. If the child continually points and grunts when he wants something, acknowledge that as communication. While you are giving him what he wants, use your words to reinforce communication. Use a loving voice to encourage a response. Eventually the child will begin to repeat what you are saying. Children learn by mimicking and if they are not pressured, they will try to imitate you. If it becomes a power struggle between you and the child, the lesson becomes less about learning to speak and more about who has more control.

Each child has special qualities and unique needs. As parents, it is our job to find and encourage the special talents our children have. If a child knows how much he is valued as an individual, he will accept this and grow to understand that he is loved for who he is.