The thought of Valentine's Day always conjures up images of boxes of chocolates and red roses from loved ones. What is Valentine's Day if not a day devoted entirely to the expression of affection? But affection is expressed in all sorts of ways. There are those who prefer a less ornate display of love and appreciation and those who favor elaborate demonstrations of affection. Toddlers are no different. As each day passes, it seems that we learn more and more about the forces at play that make these little personalities who they are. The more we learn about their likes and dislikes, the better we understand why they reach out and respond to us the way they do.

Many parents may not realize that loving behavior expresses itself in ways that surpass hugs and kisses and actually begins long before toddlerhood. According to child psychologist and professor emirita of child development at Syracuse University Dr. Alice Sterling Honig, a child who seeks out and clings to or cuddles with his parents when scared, sick or tired demonstrates that he has been taught love by his parents. The child gains comfort by being reassured specifically by his parent and is in a sense relaying that he feels good because they are there for him. "This trust in your ability to provide safety and comfort is a strong sign of growing positive attachment and affection, and you can be proud that your loving empathy and attentive care have awakened these signs of true affection," says Dr. Honig.

There are extensive differences in personality among children. The way babies respond to and express affection are directly related to their individual temperaments. Rebecca, a special education teacher and mother of two toddlers, noticed that her 2 1/2-year-old daughter, Elizabeth, gives hugs freely when her parents act very silly with her. According to Dr. Honig, "Affectionate hugs are partly a response to [the] happiness and well being of toddlers ... and a reflection of temperament." That Elizabeth responds affectionately to such behavior fits in with her playful and quirky character. Rebecca's son is shy and more reclusive; he lovingly pats his mother's back when she hugs him in a gentle and quiet way. "Even a shy and intimate smile across the room to a parent signals a deep affection from a more shy or less expressive child," says Honig.

Some toddlers are, by nature, explorers. In the midst of their discoveries, they do not want to be distracted with such frivolity as hugs and kisses from mom. When virtually exhausted though, they may climb on to a parent's lap for a quick snuggle to "refuel," as Dr. Honig calls it, for the activities that lie ahead. This, too, is a toddler's way of sharing and expressing love and should make a parent feel really appreciated. Says Dr. Honig: " You (the parent or caregiver) are your child's special refueling station. No one else has the special kind of energy-revivers that your lap or your hug or your caress provides."

The way our toddlers display their love for us may seem minimal in comparison to what we as parents may exhibit, but this is to be expected and we should not be put off by such behavior. As Dr. Honig explains, healthy toddlers are learning to de-center. They are intrinsically egocentric, and they are only just beginning to understand that the universe does not revolve around them. As such, we can not expect toddlers to demonstrate the kind of selfless love that parents or special caregivers do.

This is not to say that there are not exceptions to this rule: Sara, a lawyer and mother of two, recalls an incident when her son Ari, then a toddler, noticed that his father had a cut on his hand. Ari immediately became concerned and said "Daddy, I feel the tears coming because you have a boo-boo." In Dr. Honig's experience, a toddler can feel his parent's pain and respond to it in a loving way -- she has even seen a toddler offer a parent a precious blanket upon noticing his parent's pain. This behavior is not unusual, Honig says, especially if the child has consistently experienced tenderness when he or she was hurt or hungry or tired. Such behavior on the part of the parent will help a baby grow into a particularly caring and sympathetic person.

For the most part, toddlers are struggling with their innate self-involved personalities in a world that encourages them to grow up rather quickly, to be thoughtful of others. "Parents want toddlers to learn to share, to take turns, and to care about others. And indeed," Honig notes, "after long experience with your special caring and empathy for your little one, that learning will occur -- only not overnight!"

There is a difference, though, between a healthy self-centered toddler and an indifferent one. Dr. Honig points out that an insecure baby, one who has not necessarily been cared for in a stable and consistently responsive, loving environment, will likely either be excessively clingy or fussy with her parents or uncharacteristically mature for a toddler and apathetic to the comings and goings of a parent or caregiver. The secure baby may be involved in herself while exploring and at play, but she will presumably be a little sad to see a caregiver go and excited and glad to see them return after a short period of absence.

While it is crucial for toddlers to feel loved and accepted, it is important for parents to individualize their approach to each little one. Honig expounds that parents may sometimes be overeager when it comes to embracing or kissing their children. "Some parents," she explains, "are a bit overcompulsive ... asking for a kiss or a hug too much for some toddlers' comfort." Not all toddlers will respond well to this type of behavior when it is overdone, and it may be overwhelming for certain personality types. Of course, there are also little personalities that need more physical and verbal affection than others. In expressing affection, as with so many other spheres of parenthood, it is important to customize the technique to the recipient. But if you tune in to your child's personality and particular expressions and indications of needing you, Dr. Honig says, "then your long months of tuning in will build that deep affection so you treasure it, whether it is smoochy or not!"

We all have different needs and express ourselves in distinctive ways -- we can expect our toddlers to have those same differences. If roses and chocolates don't speak to you of love but a quiet evening in front of the fire does, there is no reason why your individual preferences should be overlooked. Neither should your toddler's. They may be small, but toddlers are people all the same, and we must figure out how to make them feel loved in a way that is comfortable for them. Surely if they feel secure and loved and at ease, they will respond in their own unique and lovable ways.