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Expert Q&A

	By Sonny Elliott Family Counselor/Author

What is the best way to punish a toddler? I feel like I'm always saying "no" and smacking hands with no response. Help!

First I am concerned with the word "punishment" being used with a toddler. This hints at corporal punishment which I am personally opposed to. This says to me that if I am unable to "control" my child with words then I will slap his hands, etc, and it is not unusual for this behavior to escalate to more physical abuse.

Studies indicate most corporal punishment comes from blue collar households, indicating this is how they themselves were raised, and all they know is, to pass it on to their children like family gems. When you say "don't" to a child what they hear is the command behind the word don't; completely ignoring the word "don't." For instance tell a toddler "don't spill the milk" and watch what happens. The word "don't" actually doesn't register in his brain, only the command after the word, "spill the milk."

Kittens and cats can teach us a lot if we observe them, and one thing I have noticed is that when my kitten is doing something I am opposed to, the easiest way to train him is to move him to something else. With a child, rather than saying "no" and hitting his/her hand, I would invite you to interrupt the child's activity, and show him something else to play with that is alright with you. If a child is messing around with an electrical outlet, rather than adding mass to the behavior you don't want, direct this child to something else, like a toy or a book.

What people resist in life will continue to persist, it is a natural law of nature. So if you keep resisting this behavior, slapping him, raising your voice, why would this behavior change? After all you validating it, even if it is with harshness, since the child is receiving "attention."

In conclusion, a doctor friend of mine typically worked late most evenings, saw his son Zac just a few minutes each night prior to the child's bedtime. Zac was about age 2 or 3, and on this occasion his father Jack was traveling. He called home, and in speaking to Zac, he kept repeating Zac's name, and Zac kept attempting to tell him his name wasn't Zac, but his name was "NO!" Initially Jack thought this was humorous, and then he began to realize that in his time spent every evening with Zac, he was constantly telling Zac "no" as a way to train him. And after awhile, Zac actually thought this was his father's name for himself.

A sad day for Jack when he repeated this story to me, and this was the same day he woke up to the damage he was causing his son, and as you might imagine that behavior was changed instantly and dramatically.

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