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Expert Q&A

	By John C. Friel, Ph.D. Psychologists

My nephew, who will be 3 next month, screams when he's given a bath. He refuses to sit down in the tub, but he gets cold standing up. He doesn't like water on his face, which makes it difficult to wash his hair, and showers are out of the question. He doesn't like the water to be let out of the tub while he and his toys are still in the tub. Bathtime is exhausting for his mother. Do you have any suggestions on what she can do to make bathtime a more pleasant experience for both of them?

As a therapist, the first question I would have to ask is, "Why are you asking the question instead of his mother?" Is it that you are proficient at using computers and his mother is not? It is good for us to care about our friends and relatives, and so we don't want to make something out of nothing here, but it would also be good to find out if his mother is needing to be rescued, and if so, does she let herself get into that role regularly? Has she asked for help with this problem from a professional source herself, or are you doing that job for her?

Setting that issue aside, it sounds like one of those good old power struggles that occurs between parents and toddlers. His mother's task is to get across to him that bathing is not optional, but to do so with as little fuss as possible. While we believe that the tactic of "giving kids choices" has been over utilized in many homes, to the point of tragic comedy, it is still a useful thing to try if done on a very limited basis. We know he isn't afraid of water, and we know that he's getting what he wants, but we also know that it is the parent's job to make sure that needs come before wants. Your child may want to eat only cake, but his body needs more than that.

You can try this. Set a timer for 15 minutes or so, fill the tub and then tell him warmly but firmly and clearly that as soon as he's clean, he can have his toys in the tub and then play with them until the timer goes off, and then it's bedtime, so the sooner he gets clean, the more time he'll have to play. You must tell him that he will go to bed clean no matter what. Then, ask him if he'd like to pour the water over his head and bathe himself, or if he'd like you to help him. When the timer goes off, if he's still standing in the tub having a tantrum because he wants his toys, then it's time to bathe him quickly, with no fuss on your part despite his fuss, and then dry him off and put him to bed.

The part about being firm and clear in addition to being warm is essential. Many parents today are so afraid of taking the leadership role with their children that they do everything half-heartedly or apologetically. Children sense this weakness in our body language, and when we do this, we let them down terribly. Children do not feel safe if no one is in charge.You need to act with confidence in this situation, and not give the impression that you are afraid your child will be damaged for life if he has to get clean every night.

I would also want to know where Dad is. Is it a single-parent household? If not, having Dad participate might make the whole thing go more smoothly, especially if there will be some tantrums until this routine is set in place. This also sends a message to each child in the family that when the chips are down -- when power struggles are in play -- both Dad and Mom will be in the game together.

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