quick clicks

babies today articles

babies today q&a

toddlers today articles

toddlers today q&a

breastfeed.com articles

breastfeed.com q&a

community & groups

research baby names

prepare a birth plan

content channels

ip channel rss feeds

read birth stories

read parenting stories

recommended books

e-newsletters

safety recalls

ip diaries

ip store

mom of the month

dad of the month

editor's letter

letters to the editor

Expert Q&A

	By John C. Friel, Ph.D. Psychologists

My daughter is 31 months and has recently developed a fear of the dark. Other than a night light, what can I do to help her? I also would love any advice on getting her to bed. Sometimes she'll be asleep by 8:30. Other nights I can't get her to sleep until 11 or later. Does her dad being away have anything to do with this? He is active duty Marine Corps.

Your question is a very good one and applies to many families, and so I am grateful for the opportunity to try to tackle it. When one parent is absent for any length of time, for any reason, it is a difficult and sometimes heartrending situation for the parent who is trying to raise the children. Because of the emotions attached to this loss, whether it be temporary or permanent, it is a potentially volatile situation as well. In general, if you can get enough adult support for yourself, and if you can effectively manage your own feelings about the absence of your spouse, then it will be much easier to raise your children well.

The bottom line is that your husband is gone for a period of time, and the more you can make daily life "normal" despite his absence, and the more matter-of-fact you can be about it, the better. The latter is a challenge sometimes. When your daughter says she misses Daddy, you have a number of "response options." You could burst into tears and sob uncontrollably, falling into a heap on the floor, so that your daughter feels compelled to comfort you, while her insides flood with fear. This, of course, would not be a good thing to do. Or, you could confidently, say that you miss Daddy, too. And then you could talk about where he is, look at pictures of where he is, look at a map of the world and locate him, etc. How we react, ourselves, to painful events in our lives is how our children will learn to react to them as well. Our job as parents is always to help our children move in the direction of further growth, which includes learning to express our feelings as well as managing them.

As for bedtime, this is one of the most powerful opportunities for children to develop internal structure and the ability to soothe themselves that they encounter. Those two things -- developing internal structure and learning to soothe themselves -- are critical for the mental health of every human being, and their lack is often at the root of many psychological problems. Children need to know that at 8:30 or 7:30 or 9 p.m., they will be going to bed, that the lights will go out, their door will be shut and that they will have no more opportunities for a drink or a story. If they come out again, just calmly put them back. This may go on for a few nights, but in the majority of cases (there are always exceptions) the child figures out where the boundary is and doesn't keep challenging it.

In our book, "The 7 Worst Things (Good) Parents Do," we mention a consistent bedtime as one of the most important things a parent can do for a child. "Consistent" means every night, with very few exceptions -- perhaps six exceptions per year! It is such a wonderful gift to give a child, because it insures him or her a lifetime strength that many children no longer have because they are allowed to set their own bedtime, often because parents feel guilty for being gone too much, working too much, etc.

Your concerns show that you are working hard to be a very good mother. Putting a night light in a child's room when she is afraid of the dark is a very helpful solution. If you don't play into the fear, it should diminish with time and with the level of your own calmness about it. Good luck with your parenting!

View more Q&A by this Expert