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Expert Q&A

	By Keath Castelloe Low child and adolescent psychologist

My 18-month-old twins seem jealous of each other at times. How should I handle this? What can I do to curb this so it doesn't get worse as they grow?

It is perfectly normal for twins, even at this young age, to feel some rivalry and competition at times. After all, they spend a great deal of time together waiting on the other – waiting on a turn to be changed, waiting to be fed, waiting to get picked up, waiting to be cuddled.

Because of their connectedness and closeness, twins are very observant of the other. Watching and comparing as the other begins to make progressions toward mastering new skills like walking and communicating. On some level they do make comparisons and they are most definitely aware of praise. That is why if one twin picks up a ball, says the word "ball" and receives praise and joy for his behavior, you are sure to see the other twin attempt the same task. We all like and are motivated by positive reinforcement!

Twins spend a great deal of time sharing your attention. All siblings must share their parents' attention, but for twins the sharing is intensified. Twins also have the added task of carving out their own identity. Though twins share a unique bond and are often dependent upon one another emotionally, they must also grow to understand, appreciate and value their own special uniqueness and individuality.

Try to make every effort to spend one-on-one time with each child. With two 18-month-olds, it may seem nearly impossible to find extra time in the day! If you have other children in addition to your twins, the idea of having this time may seem an even more unattainable feat! However, it is very important.

Many parents have found it effective to actually schedule this time in the day. Perhaps when your spouse is home and you are both together, you can have special time with one child while your spouse has special time with the other. The next day (or if time allows that same day) you switch, so you both have time with each child. Another option is having this special time at bedtime. Right before bed, you may cuddle up with one of the children to read a book, while your spouse cuddles up and reads to the other. Come up with a special lullaby that is this child's lullaby (and identify another lullaby that is the other child's special song). Sing to her, kiss her, and tell her how wonderful she is.

After this time with her, your spouse and you may then switch it up so you have special reading, cuddling and singing time with your other child before bed, as well. Make this time predictable and consistent. The children will count on this time. Your consistency will help in developing a sense of security in the children. They understand and know that this special time will occur, as a result they may be less apt to fuss and fight for your attention.

That is not to say they won't still experience feelings of jealousy, they will. It is normal and expected. When these feelings arise, help your children to understand their emotions by labeling them. "You are feeling angry because Mommy is helping May right now. I know it is hard to wait. I will help you as soon as I finish with May." Continue to point out the unique qualities in each child. Praise them both for their efforts. Nurture them equally. Though sharing is important, it is also important for each child to have things that are completely theirs. Identify toys that are shared toys and toys, clothes, blankets or loveys, etc. that belong to each child individually.

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