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Expert Q&A
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| By Elizabeth Pantley Child Behavior Expert Better Beginnings, Inc. | ||
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My 13-month-old daughter gets mad when I hug or kiss my husband. She pulls my hair or clothes until I decide to pay attention to her. It's hard on me because I see in her eyes that she feels I am choosing her dad over her. It makes me feel bad because if I decide to go with her, my husband feels left out. Also my daughter kisses me a lot but when my husband wants kisses from her, she slaps him and screams. Please give me advice.
Sometimes when we view our children's actions we define them from an adult point of view. This can distort what is really happening and make things so much worse in our eyes. From your description, I don't think your child feels that you are "choosing" her father over her. I think she's just acting like a typical 13-month-old who still believes that the world revolves around her. She's too young to interpret your actions beyond her own needs and wants. ("I want Mommy, I should get Mommy.")
The easiest way to deal with her negative reaction when you are hugging your husband is to wrap her in the middle of the two of you and include her in a "group hug." In addition, it's good for her to see the two of you being affectionate in small ways throughout the day: a shoulder squeeze, a peck on the cheek, a neck massage. Over time, she'll just accept this as the way Mommy and Daddy act when they are together, and she'll learn that it doesn't mean that she's being left out of anything.
As far as your daughter's reluctance to accept her daddy's affection, this may be as simple as the way he is approaching her. Often we see a mother who's caresses are gentle and soothing, while a father may be more rough and tumble. Perhaps if your husband takes cues from your actions he'll gain a better reaction from your little one. Another possibility is that he approaches her for affection after being away all day and she needs to "warm up" first. A nice way for him to approach her is to play with her using the toys and games she enjoys and then sneak in a hug or kiss after playtime is in process.
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