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Expert Q&A

	By John C. Friel, Ph.D. Psychologists

I'm the mom of a 1-year-old, very active little girl. I also take care of my friend's little boy while she works. I don't know if that has something to do with the fact that my daughter has started touching her genitals. About two weeks ago she was playing and she suddenly stopped and started staring at the boy while I was changing his diaper and she started asking questions. She was very curious about it. I know this is normal but need some reassurance.

Sexual curiosity in a human being of any age is normal, but especially so at this age. Genital self stimulation during infancy and childhood is also normal. Many parents handle this situation with great wisdom and grace by remembering what developmental theorist Jean Piaget taught us about how children think and learn, and what parents can do to facilitate that at each stage of a child's life.

Through painstakingly detailed observations of his own children and hundreds of others, Piaget noted that kids construct their reality differently at different ages. The keyword here is "construct." There isn't one reality. Each of us constructs it. When children are this young, they work primarily at a sensory level -- they aren't doing any abstract thinking or conceptualizing. And so it makes no sense to answer a toddler's question about sex or death or anything else from an abstract perspective. They need concrete, sensory answers, such as "Boys have a penis and girls have a vagina," or "Yes, there is a difference."

Parents can often manufacture problems that didn't exist before if they fail to manage their own anxiety. In our psychology practice we find that an adult's inability to manage his or her own anxiety (fear, worry, concern, etc.) is the root cause of perhaps the majority of marital as well as parenting problems. Parents who are comfortable with their own bodies and with their own sexuality will convey that comfort to their children. Parents who aren't, will have a hard time hiding their discomfort. So it is good for parents to look at their own feelings and attitudes about sex and get comfortable before trying to help their kids get comfortable with it. And then it is important to remember not to give a 12-year-old answer about sex to a 1-year-old. It won't make any sense to the 1-year-old.

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