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January 27, 2003
1/26/03
I go and read other diary writers (Jeanette, Allisun, and many more) entries and marvel at how they have such talent for using words to describe their thoughts. I have always loved reading and writing and always had an underlying passion for the two. The problem is I am not very good at writing and don’t have the time to read like I desire. I wish I could find words to describe my love and devotion to my children. Each day I am filled with overwhelming emotions (some good, some bad ) at their achievements and accomplishments. I am in awe of the creation of a child. Their minds and bodies grow at such a rapid pace that it is almost impossible to take in each moment. I cry out in my prayers that I want to take in each moment. I want to cherish each hug, kiss and giggle. I pray for the talent of expressing my love for my children in my writing.
I feel that we are given our children from the Lord as a gift. They are truly a blessing and should be treated as such. What a gift it is, to see a part of you turn into an independent being. Watching them play and see their little minds work is ever so entertaining. Children have no worries; they don’t care about money, a big house, a nice car, keeping up with the neighbors. They care about love, safety and again Love. Life is simple for them. Simple and amazing.
A couple of weeks ago I confronted my pain of my miscarriage nearly 3 years ago. I cried out for the baby we had lost and never been able to hold. My heart ached for this child that never met his/her family. I have come to a comfortable place in my heart now and although I continue to miss my unborn angel I am content with knowing he/she is in heave with our father. While getting past this loss I started to think about all the women in the world who lose more then one child or who are not able to conceive a child. My heart aches for them. I am in the very beginning stages of thinking about being a surrogate mother for someone. I need to do a lot more research on this before I even consider this option but right now it is in my head as being an option. To give someone a child of their own ( the baby would have to be their embryo) would be an amazing feeling. If anyone knows of any sites they would like to pass on my way I would appreciate it.
1/28/03
Alec was up to his little stinker antics again yesterday and covered our entire living room in baby powder in 2 minutes flat. I could not help put crack up seeing him covered in a white mess. He looked at me and said “ I sorry mommy”. How could I be mad with that?? LOL
I spent the weekend reading Jeanette’s baby diary and I was truly inspired by her birth story. Some day I will have a home birth. I have decided to write out my birth story of Jt with this entry and then I will share Autumns and Alecs in following entries.
Jt’s Birth Story
When I found out I was pregnant with Jt I panicked almost immediately about what was yet to come. I was young (19 years old) and not at all educated on being pregnant and *gasp* the idea of LABOR terrified me! I was 8 weeks pregnant and dragged Dh to the bookstore and bought 5 books on pregnancy and childbirth. I could not even wait until we got home to start flipping through the pages. There was one book (the book is lent out at the moment and I don’t remember the name) that had very detailed pictures of a birth and I just stared in disbelieve at the pictures for what seemed an eternity. I told myself NO way… I can’t do this. I love this baby and I want it more then anything but there is no way I am giving birth.. LOL A little late for that??? I spent the next 2 weeks totally engrossed in those books and read them all front to back, not skipping over anything. I wanted to know what to except for every moment of my pregnancy. At about 5 months I finally felt a wave of calm come over my body. I had bonded with this little being inside of me and treasured every little thing about pregnancy. Sure I complained about some aspects of being pregnant, but deep down when it came down to it…. I LOVED being pregnant. By my 8th month and after several Lamaze classes and reading my books for the 10th time I felt I was ready to have this baby. I went to my Dr Appointments regularly and in the last month, we would discuss signs to look out for that signaled labor was soon. I was told to wait until my contractions were 5 minutes apart or my water broke. Looking back on it now, the whole experience with that OB was very cold and not very nurturing. I was almost 2 weeks overdue and was getting very uncomfortable. My appt was the next to discuss being induced and I was getting a little discouraged with the unsympathetic Dr’s telling me to watch my weight as this was a tiny baby and there was no need for me to gain 35 pounds.
I was on Maternity leave and each day seemed to drag on as I wished for this baby to come. I woke up the morning of April 23rd 1996 feeling a burst of energy. I walked around the house and cleaned up as I felt mild contractions. I felt as though I was constantly going to the bathroom and thought I may be leaking a little urine. I had a weak bladder throughout the entire pregnancy so I was not concerned. At around 12:30 my contractions started to come about 7 minutes apart, so I decided to call Joe home from his first Job at the school. He raced home and of course the contractions stopped. I made us some dinner and took a nap. When I woke up, Joe was off to his second job at around 6:00 p.m.. He asked if I was okay, because his second job was about 45 minutes away and he wanted to be sure I was not going to be calling him back as soon as he drove all the way out there. I had not had a contraction since about 1:30 ish in the afternoon so I sent him on his way. I spent the evening crashed out on the couch and just telling my baby to hurry up and get here. I notice that my underwear was still getting damp between trips the bathroom so I decided to take a little nap and call the Dr when I got up. I must have been really tired because I did not wake up until 1:30 a.m. as Joe walked in the door from work. I went to get up to go to the bathroom and then I knew my water had broke. It went everywhere. I told an exhausted Joe to call the Dr., I was going to jump in the shower and we were going to go to the hospital. I felt the contractions get stronger while I was in the shower and remember being very annoyed with Joe asking me questions for the Dr while I was trying to relax. The drive to the hospital is a blur and I just remember telling Joe I wanted him to park and I could walk with him through the ER waiting room. We got up to Labor and Delivery and I was immediately hooked up the fetal monitor and laid on my back. The nurses checked me and I was only 1 cm. As many new parents are, we were pumped up with excitement and could not sleep. We watched some TV and then finally after 2 hours we were told there was no progress and they put me on pitocin. I had read a bunch of books and knew that this was used to speed up labor. In all the books I read they never explained the risks of pitocin. I thought the Dr’s knew what they were doing so I would just let them do what they needed to do.(Spoken like a truly naive girl huh?) As if the two went hand in hand I was given Demerol at the same time I was given the pitocin. I immediately went in and out of sleep not really aware of what was going on around me. I was not feeling any pain, yet an hour later the nurses had said I should get the epidural now before I felt the pain??? ( I now know this was a DUMB thing to do) So I got the epidural and to be honest with you I don’t remember too much more of what happened except it felt as though they were checking my cervix constantly. Around 3:00 pm on the 24th the Dr came in and checked me and said “You are still only 3 cm and you are swollen like you have been pushing for 3 hours.” My water had been broke for a long time so they suggested a c-section. So, I perked up a little then and started to get really scared. I never even thought I would have to have a c-section. I ended up getting a fever and so they hurried it up a little and by 6 ish I was in the operating room and being prepped. I remember lying on the table freezing cold and strapped down. I felt very uncomfortable as people walked in and out of the room. My legs were shaking and Dr L ( who I went to for my next two births and was a great Dr) was talking to me and trying to calm me down. He was there to assist Dr R ( who was a TERRIBLE Dr and was let go from that practice shortly after I had Jt) with my c-section. They started the incision and then a nurse remembered to bring in Joe. It was a very sterile, cold environment to bring the baby into the world in. After they took him out of me we were told nothing for what seemed like several minutes. They did not even hold him up for me to see him… .Nothing. So we waited to just hear his cry. We finally heard him and were told it was a boy. I was given a quick peek and they whisked him away. Then I was given something to put me to sleep. The strange thing with this was I was asleep, but I heard everything that was happening. Dr L was yelling at a med student that she had cut my bladder and the girl started to cry and left the room. They kept saying there was too much blood, she couldn’t see anything. Then I heard the Dr tell a nurse “Prepare for a hysterectomy, her uterus is not contracting and she is loosing to much blood.” I then don’t remember anything else that was said until I was in the recovery room. I was still asleep and I could feel the nurse pushing down on my stomach and talking to another nurse about how my Dr had went off on that poor med student and she did not deserve it. I then heard the nurses talking to dh and then they tried to wake me up and explain the pain management button on the iv. I slept for the rest of the night. No bonding with the baby, no holding and kissing him. I did not see my baby for hours after I had him. The next day I woke up and asked to see him. I was so very weak and dizzy, it was hard to hold him but I did it. I just gazed in his eyes and told him how much I loved him. I was determined to get out of that bed and take a shower. I tried so hard and got as far as sitting up and was told to lay back down immediately. I was not allowed to sit up until later that evening. I refused to use the pain meds more then 3 times that day and I was still soooo out of it. The dr did come in and told me how close I had been to a hysterectomy and how badly I had scared her. Most of that day is a blur to me still.
The next day I was feeling much better and was able to sit up as Dh washed my hair and I had some chicken broth. I slept a lot that day though and just lay with my baby next to me. They had taken him back to the nursery at around 3pm and then had a shift change. I had a nurse come in at 4 and tell me that Jt had been put into PED ICU because his respitory (sp) rate was really high and he had spiked a fever. 20 minutes later I spiked a fever as well and was told I could not go see him. He was given a spinal tap and I felt SO helpless not being able to get to him because of the fever I had and was not allowed to get out of bed. The next day I was finally able to go and see him. They never did find an explanation as to why that happened.
Anyway, after 5 days we were able to go home. I still feel that our bonding was severely effected by the hospital stay and the way things were done.
Oh by the way… Jt was 8 pounds 9 oz 22 and ½ inches long… not a little baby like the Dr’s had told me and the Dr who delivered me botched up his circumcision and he had to have two revisions because of it… but that is another story altogether.
That is all for now.
God Bless
Tanya
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