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January 10, 2003

1/9/03
~~My boring life without two of my three children at home~~~ LOL
Last night was tough. After the kids left, I was feeling a little sluggish and had a sore throat along with a headache. I decided to just sit around the house with Alec and do nothing. Alec played choo-choo’s on the floor while I read. This did not last more then 15 minutes and I was up walking around the house picking some stuff up. Then I decided to let Alec pick what he wanted for dinner. Hand in hand we walked to the kitchen and Alec said “Mommy, I want waffles for dinner!” Sounded great to me… nice and easy. Alec munched on waffles while I made some noodle made up thing that ended tasting terrible. At around 7:00 Joe called to tell me they had arrived safely and I could stop worrying. Autumn wanted to talk to me and was so cute. “ MOMMY, this place is soooooo cool. They have 3 rooms and 3 tv’s and there are new slides…..mommy? I miss you. “ I then said” I love you baby and miss you.” I then heard her running around in the background playing with Jt and her cousin. :o) Jt didn’t want to talk.. figures..lol.
After dinner I gave Alec probably the longest bath he has ever had. Normally, we have two other children to bathe before 8:00 so he gets kicked out. He was in all his glory playing with his toys and not having the share. Gee this must be really boring to read huh? Sorry. After his bath Alec and I vegged out on the couch and watched TV. I let him stay up late with me because I was lonely and then I brought him into bed with me. I got about 4 times and could not get back to sleep. At 6:30 am I got a call from*Z*’s mom telling poor little guy had the flu. :o( So he would be staying home. I got to crawl back into bed with my little munchkin and we got to sleep in until 8:00 :o)

Today was WONDERFUL! I talked to the kids in the morning and then went on with my day. It was SO quiet here and I got a lot done. I painted my nails for the first time in over a year and have made a promise to myself to keep up with it. :o) I am still feeling kind of blah and can tell I have a touch of the flu/cold but I am hoping that with all the rest I am getting I will fight it off before the weekend. Tonight is just going to be another lay around night with little Alec.

1/10
Last night was just how I had said it would be. I did a bunch of laundry and basically relaxed the entire night. It was so quiet and peaceful. I really enjoyed my time alone last night and did not spend the night worrying about the kids… I know they are in good hands. This morning I got up at the crack of dawn because *Z* was supposed to come back today… At 6:30 I decided to call his mom and see where they were. Poor guy is still not feeling 100% so she decided to keep him home. I feel so bad for the little guy yet I feel kind of disappointed because I did not go up to Wis because I did not want the mom to have to ask for time off from work. He ended up staying home the last two days anyway. I guess it is a good thing though… I had a great time with Alec.

~~~Thurs Night Shows~~
Last night I got to sit and watch my Thurs night shows in peace and quiet and aaaahhhh it was so nice. I thought Friends was a little boring this week and was not that impressed. Normally, I am laughing like crazy but last night I just chuckled a couple of times. I think that they just need to put Ross and Rachel together and get it over with. The writers have been dragging that story line on for way to long. I mean come on… they have a baby together and live together…obviously they are going to be together right??? They have had the Ross or Rachel being jealous of another mate way to many times now and it looks like the next two episodes will be more of the same. My prediction is that Chandler and Monica are going to run into fertility problems and hit a bump in their relationship eventually?? Then there is Phobie and Joey… they just make me laugh. LOL

Er was really good as usual. This is without a doubt my very favorite show and has been for some time. I will say that I do miss the old cast and wish they would bring a few back but that is impossible. I don’t know why I am so obsessed with the show ,maybe it is because I have such a strong urge to work in the medical field again ( I realize that Er is NOT like the real thing lol I have worked in a hospital before )? Who knows but the show is like an addiction for me. If it is on I am taping it and watching it later. Re-runs or not. I LOVE Carter and Abby together! My heart is softening up to weaver and last nights episode brought out some real intense emotions in myself that I will explain later. I wish I knew what they planned to do with Kovach (sp) you never know if he is coming or leaving. I thought the story line with Pratt was well done and opened up a lot for him for future episodes/

*****DO NOT READ If UNCOMFORTABLE
~~~Talking about my past Miscarriage~~
The memories of my miscarriage were triggered by Weavers miscarriage in last nights episode of Er. Like Weaver, I pretty much held in all of emotions about the loss of my baby. I wanted to prove myself strong to the Dr’s, my husband and my children. Why I felt this way I have know idea. When I was watching Er last night and saw Weaver break down and cry I was hit with the reality that I have still not delt with my miscarriage from three years ago. I still have pain and hurt that has not been addressed by me. I am going to write out the story of when I miscarried to help me deal with some pain and to have a record of my sweet child in heaven. If you feel it will be disturbing to you please scan past it.

~The Story of my Angel~
Joe and I had tossed the idea of having another baby back and forth for a couple of months.We never said a definite yes or no and I think we were just waiting on God to make the decision for us. I remember the day we found out I was pregnant like it was yesterday. We had spent the weekend up at Joes dads lake house in Wis. We had a wonderful time and the weather was beautiful that July and as we were on our way home Joe and I started to talk. Joe talked about how he felt that maybe now was the time to start trying and we should just see how it goes for a couple of months. I remember having a little smirk on my face and telling him that I had an inkling that I may very well be pregnant and had planned to take a test as soon as we got home. We stopped off to get some food for a BBQ as Joe had invited a friend over earlier that day. As soon as we got home and unpacked the car I went upstairs as Joe started to cook. I came back down while the test was processing and played with Jt and Autumn for a while. Joes friend then arrived so I got a bit preoccupied and forgot about the test until a half hour later. I went upstairs and saw a faint positive test sitting on the counter and I yelled for Joe to some upstairs. He was happy and gave me hug, We went on with the evening and I think I smiled the entire night. We had some mixed feelings after I found out and I kept telling myself that I did not know if I was ready for this or not. Three kids/?? Too late now huh? LOL We waited a couple of weeks and then started telling people. I made my Dr appointment for when I would be 12 weeks and started taking a prenatal vitamin. We started to get excited about having another baby. On 9/9/99 I went to the bathroom and saw that I was spotting a little. I did not panic right away and kept track over the next couple of hours of how much I was spotting. I decided to call the Dr and he had me come in. The Dr asked me how far along I was and I told him when my last cycle was and that put me at about 12 weeks. When he did the ultrasound I knew right away that there was something wrong by the look on his face. He did not see a heartbeat but had said that my dates could have been off.. I know my body and my cycle was so regular that I instantly knew that there was something wrong. The Dr was very nice and sympathetic and commented on how strong I was being. He told me that all he could do is send me for blood work to get my HCG levels and then have me come back in 2 days. I did just as I was told. I stopped spotting after that day and waited patiently for the two days to pass. When I went in to get my HCG levels taken again I still had some doubt because the ultrasound was haunting me but there was a tiny bit of hope still there. As I walked out of the room I felt I needed to go to the bathroom. There was faced with BRIGHT red blood. I knew then that it was over. :o( I did not cry, did not scream.. I just went on with my day…emotionless. 9/11/99 my miscarriage began. I felt crampy and bled heavy. I found myself begging with God to just get this over with. I just wanted things to be normal again. The entire process took a couple days and on 9/13/99 I passed my baby. It was a terrible painful process and I can honestly say it was labor. I cried out from the physical pain… not the emotional pain. I just wanted to get it done and go to bed. I was sad the next couple of days but went on with life.
~~~~Getting pregnant~~~
I became obsessed with getting pregnant again. The Dr’s told us to wait for 3 months and I felt angry because they were torturing me. I decided I wanted to try after a month. I posted on a miscarriage support board but basically talked about how badly I wanted to have another baby. I started to get frustrated when in November I was not pregnant and lashed out at dh who took it wonderfully. I told him that all I wanted for Christmas was a baby. When I did not get pregnant in December I got upset. I had never had a problem getting pregnant and I guess that since it did not happen fast enough for Miss impatient I started to pout and give up hope. Looking back on it now I was being so irrational and just plain stupid. It had only been 3 months for goodness sakes and my body was recovering from loosing a child. In January I decided to take the last pregnancy test I had and told myself after this test was done I was just going to relax and not think about getting pregnant anymore. I took the test and hoped in the shower. I was positive it was going to be a big ol negative sign. I took the longest shower I have ever taken and when I got out I saw the positive sign that was as bright as it could be. I jumped up and down and then called dh! I was so happy and then after about 2 hours terror struck over me and I started to worry about miscarriage. I rented a Doppler to keep at home, I had several ultrasounds because I had some bleeding and I worried until the day I had Alec. In fact I worried after I had Alec for months I slept on the couch with Alec in my arms.I still worry and could be labeled as an over protective mother. Yes, I probably sound crazy but looking back on it I did all that worrying and driving myself crazy because I refused to deal with loosing my sweet baby. In my heart I was devastated that I had something so precious ripped away from me. I needed to cry and mourn for this child. Which I did last night, and I now feel so much better. I need to do something to remember this baby so that I can move on yet always remember this child. Any ideas? I hope I do not sound crazy to all of you I just had the reality hit me last night as I was watching Weaver on Er loose her baby.

Take Care
Tanya