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February 28, 2004
A short entry to capture the absolute *hell* I'm feeling right now. I've started my new position and yesterday was informed that I needed to travel to Boston (one hour plane from Ottawa) for training for 2 weeks (I am coming home on the weekends).
I of course being the person I am is unprepared, I can't find my birth certificate, I have an out of date licence (I don't drive) and am just absolutely stressing about EVERYTHING.
Documentation, I am afraid I won't even be able to board the plane with the somewhat out of date and unofficial documentation I have, then I'll have to explain THAT to my very cranky and unsympathetic boss. Who I might add didn't even know the schedule would mean I'd NOT be home for March Break, his wife is at home with the kids and doesn't get that its different when a mom leaves her kids...
Missing/worrying about the kids: I told McKinley and Brennen yesterday about my trip and M flipped out, she cried, begged me not to leave asked me all sorts of questions (who'd do my hair, who'd take me to sparks, why , why , why) Brennen cried when M started to cry and kept saying NO MOMMY, NO GO AWAY.... it was the worst feeling I've ever had.
McKinley pretty much cried on and off all evening and this morning was very rough also.. she just is so upset about me going away. I know I probably have made this worse by never leaving my children overnight ever, by choosing John to stay at home and not put her in a daycare center like we did when she was 3. I find now she's even less able to handle one of us not being there 24/7.
Brennen is still nursing and here I've been complaining and yet feel guilty that this will probably wean him for good. I mean two weeks without the boob will be very difficult for Brennen he's never fell asleep without it either.. sigh.... I feel so GUILTY even though I know that women (working and sahm) leave their kids for vacations, work related trips etc. why am I struggling so?
Anyway I wanted to capture my feelings about the stress I'm experiencing and make sure Brennen one day could see how awful I felt about uprooting and adding chaos to his little life.
Cheers,
Kellie
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