Kellie's Diary Entries Diary Navigation: Choose A Diary Entry -------------------- Latest Entry: 12/16/04 -------------------- 12/15/04 10/1/04 8/3/04 6/17/04 3/29/04 3/10/04 2/28/04 2/5/04 12/18/03 11/25/03 10/31/03 9/29/03 7/30/03 6/30/03 5/23/03 5/10/03 4/22/03 4/7/03 3/23/03 3/19/03 3/5/03 2/19/03 12/26/02 12/6/02 11/18/02 11/6/02 10/12/02 8/20/02 8/1/02 7/30/02 7/18/02 7/16/02 7/4/02 6/13/02 2/17/02 1/24/02 6/4/01 5/27/01 -------------------- Kellie's Introduction

January 24, 2002

Now that the rush is over from Christmas, the baby bug has hit me hard. Brennen is 19 months old and McKinley is 4.5 they are both sooooo much fun. Here are a few examples:

Brennen and McKinley LOVE to hold hands in the van when we are going somewhere we strap them in, and instantly they hold hands, chatting away..singing with McKinley telling her baby brother everything we are doing or driving by.

Brennen loves to cuddle at night and loves to lie beside us when we all read a story, he loves any book about dogs for some reason
nods his head very seriously as we read.

To watch McKinley and him play and interact is so incredibly fun and heartwarming...so...

why not have another baby...oh there are a million reasons, two high risk pregnancies(one which ended in 4.5 months of bed rest and a preemie baby) a small house which we love but is fair bursting at the seams, a jealous toddler who yells ME, ME, ME every time John or McKinley sit beside me, hug or kiss me.. he throws a tantrum if anyone is near his MMMMMM as he calls me.
The fact is its fun now that the kids are older and we can camp and are planning a huge trip to PEI.

My baby time with Brennen was soo different from McKinley's he had colic cried continually, is still breastfeeding and has never slept anywhere but our bed..
Writing all this it seems clear our family is finished theres no question... then I get that urge that feeling that someone is missing,the other day I saw the kids on the couch and I saw another child.. I crave another baby, another pregnancy (minus the 8 month morning/all day sickness lol).

John, he feels we are tempting fate with two beautiful children who are healthy, a nice setup with the SAHD and working mom, we shouldn't ask for more. I agree or at least my head does.. my heart it sighs and continually nags me with those urges and feelings.

I have given us until September of this year, McKinley will be five and Brennen two, I will be 35 (a month from 36) and John 44 (a month from 45) as if writing our ages convinces me that we are to old for more children. McKinley would be 6 years older than her sibling, Brennen 3 years older.. and I in my gasp later thirties and John pushing 50... (gosh he sounds old)..

I continually wonder what is the right choice do I follow my heart or head.. is there even a "right" decision.. will I regret never having one more child.. will these feelings subside as we do more and more with the kids and as they age or will my empty ache be here forever..

Anyone ever deal with these feelings and what did you decide and why..?