Kahne's Diary Entries Diary Navigation: Choose A Diary Entry -------------------- Latest Entry: 9/5/00 -------------------- 8/15/00 8/9/00 7/28/00 6/21/00 5/24/00 5/8/00 11/10/99 10/29/99 -------------------- Kahne's Introduction

August 9, 2000

Hello all,

I don't know how many people read this or how many will one day. For those of you that do read this, be prepared, a lot of emotion is going into this entry.

Right after Cat was born, a bump appeared on my breast. I showed it to the doctor and he told me that it was an infected milk duct, not to worry, and he prescribed antibiotics. I took them like I was supposed to, but the bump remained. I told the doctor about it, and he said that it would go away "in due time". I ignored it. Well, being that I am starting nursing clinicals next month, I had to have a physical. The NP conducted the exam and everything was looking great. I have 20/10 vision in my right eye, I am a bit overweight, I am short, the usual. After she conducted the required exam, I asked her if she would take a look at my mysterious "bump". She said no problem, so I showed her. She did not like the looks of it at all. It had grown larger and was disfiguring part of my nipple. She told me that it could be a problem, and that it was one of a few things. I could have chronically infected milk ducts and they would have to be removed, it could be a cyst, it could be nothing, or it could be cancer. She asked about my family history and I reluctantly informed her that my grandmother had to have a breast removed because of cancer at a relatively young age. My own mother has had to have mammograms for years because of cysts in her breasts that could lead to cancer. The NP did not look happy. She ordered a mammogram right away. As she was examining my breast, she asked about a mole that I had not noticed. She informed me that it was a melanoma, and started examining my skin. She found another one on my arm. Great. They have to be removed. Soon. OK, so in the course of an hour, my whole life crashed down around my ears. On the drive home, I continually said the word, cancer. CANCER, on my own skin, possibly in my own breast. My own body is BETRAYING me. I was SO careful. I ALWAYS wore sunscreen. I am 22, I should not have to deal with this. WHY ME? I went home where my mother in law was watching Cat. I felt like I was underwater. Once again I heard the word cancer come out of my own mouth. It was like someone else saying it. The look on her face was pure disbelief. I just went to the doctor for a routine exam. How could this be? I sat on the sofa in a stupor, feeling nothing. Steve came home. That word again. Why again, Why did the first doctor do nothing? How are we going to pay for this. We can't afford insurance. All he was seeing was red and piling doctor bills.

Late that night when it was the three of us alone we put Cat to bed. I held her tight and the tears came then. I sobbed holding my precious little girl. I told her that mommy may be sick for a while, but that she would et better real soon for her little baby. I cried all night. Saturday morning I went back to the doctor to get some blood test results for my physical. The NP told me not to worry, that I would know when it was time to worry. I asked her what she thought it was. She said, "Well if we are lucky, I am wrong and it is nothing".

I feel like I should feel sick. In the bed with a thermometer in my mouth. I don't feel sick. I feel well, I WANT to be well. I keep thinking, if I believe I am well, then I wont be sick. Time has all but stopped for me. I took my final exams in a daze. I start nursing school in eight days. I have things to do. I have a child to raise. I will not ALLOW this to happen to me. I WON'T ALLOW IT, NOT NOW NOT EVER.

I am going to my grandmother's with the baby till school starts. I am leaving Friday. No doctors, no complications. She promised me nothing but sleeping and eating for three days. I am going to her because she took care of me as a child, and she will take care of me now. We all need someone to run to. This will not beat me. This will change who I am and what I believe in. This will shape my life. But isn't that what life is? A series of events that change a person and influences how they raise the people they bring into the world.

I am going to be OK. I have to be OK. I will keep going on the fact that there is nothing wrong with me. I will have the moles removed. I will feel normal again.

Sorry for all the ranting,

Kahne