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June 21, 2000

Well ladies congratulate me, I had my first official breakdown Monday. I decided that just once I was going to ignore my bills and splurge on my family. Well it backfired. I got what I wanted, I gave DH a great Father's Day, I took Cat to all the places I wanted her to see, but I felt rotten. I had always heard the phrase "money can't buy happiness". It is true. I should have paid my bills. The things I bought won't last. I feel like I wasted a week of my husband's hard work.

My mother called me and told me my grandma's oldest sibling is dying. This makes my grandma the oldest now, and they seem to be going in order. I am glad that I have always spent time with her, and that she and Cat are so close. However, that will not make it easier when she passes one day.

Well the straw that broke it was when I went to world literature Monday night, I got a 30 percent on one of my quizzes. I lost it. I came home and cried and cried. Steve came in our room and told me that it was all going to be all right. Sometimes I think I married the greatest guy. :0) He told me that we did not build our life on money and grades, that each other is what really mattered. For being a mechanic he has a way with words, lol.

As usual, Cat is the bright spot in my life. Who needs Prozac when you have a great little kid who loves you even when you screw up. She doesn't care about grade point averages or what she wears. Cs and just diapers are fine with her. I think my greatest moments as a mom are seeing her with dirty little feet and cookie all over her face. Aren't being dirty and cookies two of the most important things about childhood? I want to do with her the things my mom and I never got to do. I like going to the store and feeding her grapes out of the bag. It is a mommy adrenaline rush, all the time looking over my shoulder for the store manager. My mother-in-law thinks that I am the reason for grape prices being so high. My friends feel a pressure to have perfect kids. When you are 22, people think that you are not mature enough to be a parent. There is a lot of criticism in how you raise your child. Incredibly people are shocked when I tell them my age. Generation X has a bad reputation. Most middle age and older adults think I should be living with my parents still, sitting on the sofa eating chips. I bring Cat to the park sometimes. I like to get in the sandbox with her and swing with her. We run around and yell and just have fun. You would be amazed at the looks I get from the more mature mommies. They are very disapproving. I don't want to be a "sit on the sidelines" type of mom. I want to be there in the middle of it all, as long as Cat wants me there. I am not wasting one single second of her.

Till next week, Kahne