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July 27, 2004
Hi. I woke up this morning at around 4:00 am and was not able to fall back to sleep. That hasn't happened to me in months and months. But I figured maybe I should just get up and do something instead of lay in bed and torture myself.
I have a lot on my mind. Some things trivial and/or exciting. For example, at 8am there is a man coming to refinish the hardwood floor in my foyer. Oh, so exciting for me because they are terribly stained.
Then, there is the constant, never-ending drama with Emma. I will make this short because I probably sound like a broken record. Even I get tired about hearing/living it. Emma is doing very, very poor again. Yesterday she ate no solid food. She is on a waiting list to be seen by the feeding center in CHOP in mid-September. There is a clinic in Paterson, NJ that I am now willing to trek to and will be calling them first-thing this morning to see if they can help us sooner.
I am so frustrated. But I suppose I should just get over it, but it's very hard.
I never talk about Maddie. She, my little rock, is always doing well. She's getting so big. She starts preschool in about a month. I can't believe it. Part of me is so excited! I know she will love it there and flourish. She loves to be challenged and learn new things. She is so sweet and easy to figure out. I guess her and Emma are on two extremes. One is so easy, and the other so hard to figure out.
I had sent her to a week of bible school. My friend took her and dropped her off each morning and I watched her son, James. At the end of the week we went to see them sing and see all of the work they did over the week. Maddie got very upset right before the show because she didn't want to wear the t-shirt she had painted. When I got there, I was so overwhelmed. Even before she came out, I got a little weepy at the thought of her first little performance. She didn't sing and something seemed wrong (I was informed about the shirt thing afterwards) but that didn't bother me. Maddie sings when she wants to. What bothered me was that I missed taking her and picking her up. I didn't know anybody that was teaching her. I didn't really know what they did over the week because it was supposed to be a surprise. My friend volunteered at the bible school and was good friends with all of the teachers.
I know preschool won't be like this as I will be highly involved and will take her and pick her up myself. But it's hard to think for several hours a week I will be taking a back seat in what she does. I know it's natural and good for her to do this sort of thing. I guess it is good for me too, to kind of let go, and allow others to influence her and shape her. But this is the beginning of letting go. I'm glad I have been able to spend as much time with her as I have.
Well, thanks for reading. I am going to go pack for the day. We're driving to NJ to go see my parents while the floor is being done.
Jess
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