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October 3, 2003
Yesterday, I experienced my first true, deep working mommy guilt. It's always there, but hiding just below the surface. I convince myself that I'm doing the right thing for my family. We depend on my income and I have made other sacrifices in order to spend quility time with the girls. But, yesterday, Amanda did it. She said the words that caused me to feel a pain deep in my heart. As I was dropping her off at daycare, which she really loves most days, she asked if she could come to work with me. I told her that there are no toys at my work and that she really would be bored, but she insisted that she wanted to come with me. I asked her why and she looked up at me and said, "I want to spend all day with you. I want you do do 'real" mommy things and cook dinner and stuff." Ouch. I called my husband who said tat certainly she didn't mean it. I think she did, because at three, they speak from the heart. She said what she felt. Now, I know that I don't neglect her. Every evening we spend time together. I get down on the floor to play, we read books, we go on a walk most nights. We eat together. I take her shopping. I cook. I figure it's a reaction to her sister. They are close in age and Amanda had a very delayed reaction to Alison's arrival. I know that she craves alone time with mom and dad. She gets it. She wants more. It still hurt to hear those words. After that, my day got worse. I was late to a meeting and dropped a large soda down my shirt. Hopefully, today will be better.
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