Jennifer's Diary Entries Diary Navigation: Choose A Diary Entry -------------------- Latest Entry: 12/10/04 -------------------- 9/23/04 8/8/04 7/22/04 7/14/04 7/13/04 6/30/04 6/17/04 6/11/04 6/1/04 5/10/04 4/26/03 4/16/03 4/5/03 3/29/03 3/23/03 1/1/01 -------------------- Jennifer's Introduction

July 22, 2004

There are times I don't write about how I actually feel, for fear of offending people or losing readers. But I've come to realize I have a steady reader base of 3 to 6 people, which I'm actually really happy about. I came on this site for two reasons: (1) to have motivation to record the things that happen in Jake's life so it's not all lost to busy days or faulty memory, and (2) to find some mama friends that I relate to and that I can talk to about being a mom. I feel like I have definitely found my couple friends, who I am so very happy with, and honestly it's too hard to go out and read EVERYONE'S diaries, so I'm happy to keep up with the couple I feel like I have a connection with. If others start reading, FABULOUS -- I always respond to every post on my TTM board and I'm always thrilled to make new friends. But if I'm limited to the couple I have and no one else ever posts to me, I will still be thrilled because I love my e-friends.

All that said, I am annoyed and I want to talk about spanking. Yes, spanking. I read a lot of different blogs but don't post messages to them, sometimes of people I don't agree with, because they're amusing and some I read just to laugh at them. (Yes, laugh AT the people because I think they're ridiculous. But I never say so, because they have the right to be ridiculous, it's their damn blog.) Someone may be doing the same thing with me, I don't know. But lately one thing really annoys me: We are all so enlightened now and think that spanking will forever damage our precious little angels.

Whatever.

I was spanked growing up, and honestly I think that most times I deserved it. I think there were even MORE times where I DIDN'T do something because I knew I would get a spanking. Not because I didn't know the difference between right and wrong -- I did. The wrong thing just

seemed like more fun -- but knowing I would be spanked stopped me. I'm also on board with the fact if I ever said curse words or anything really mean or rude, my mouth was smacked or washed out with soap. I'm not saying I do this (Jake doesn't even talk) or that I will do this any time soon with Jake, or ever, but I think there's a lot to be said for there being a strong motivation to kids to not say things they shouldn't. (I can hear your gasps of horror. Let the flaming begin. But what the hell are YOU going to do when your child drops the "f-bomb"? Say sweetly "now now, mommy doesn't want you to say that . . .")

I don't agree with beating children or making them afraid of you or even spankings with belts or boards like those who grew up in the 50's experienced and used on us born in the 70's. I don't think kids should be spanked every day or for every mistake or without warning. I don't think children should be humiliated by their parents, in public or at

home. I don't think children should be pushed or shoved or drug around when they're not behaving. I don't think the definintion of "behaving" should be rigid and strict.

I think you should be calm and rational with your children. I think we should let kids be kids. I think you should always let them know what you expect out of them. They should know what kind of behavior is acceptable in given situations. (i.e., "we don't hit friends," "we don't scream in Walmart," "we don't jump on the furniture in other people's homes," "we don't run away from mommy while walking in a parking lot.")

I don't think parents should use the idea of a spanking as an idle threat that is uttered and then screamed over and over again. I cringe when I see kids being screamed at in Walmart because they're tired or hungry and instead of listening to their child, the mother treats them as an annoyance and yells at them instead. When I worked retail I can't tell

you how many moms came in my store, had been dragging their toddlers around with them all day, just goofing off and shopping for clothes. Of course the kids are acting up, toddlers weren't made for 4 hour shopping sprees.

I don't buy the idea that children should never be exposed to any sort of "violence" at home, especially from their parents -- "violence" being described as any raising of voices, stern reproaches, even light taps on the bottom. Such "violence" will squealch the child's spirit and cause there to be a breakdown in trust and closeness between parent and child.

umm, ok.

Interesting to note, though, every mother I've read spouting off things like this only has 1 child. When that 2nd child comes along, your children will be exposed to all sorts of violence, trust me. There is nothing more dangerous (and fun!) to a child than a sibling. But that's a whole other entry.

I used to baby-sit (briefly, until they made me crazy) two little girls whose mother honestly did not believe in telling them no -- about ANYTHING. Didn't want me to set up any rules. It was a horror trying to take care of them, because they were out of control. But God forbid I hurt their self-esteem by setting any boundaries. And they had a horrible relationship with their mother, because they didn't respect her. They were always fighting with her or manipulating her. I don't think a 7 year old is capable of making life decisions, so I'm going to go ahead and keep telling Jake "NO" as many times as he needs to hear it.

And I'm not one of those stuffy people wo thinks children are annoying or need to be put in their place. I love kids more than I can tell you. Newborns, babies, toddlers, little kids, I love them all. I get such a kick out of them. I make a bee-line for any baby in the room. I will start up a conversation with any child who is willing to talk to me. I

started baby-sitting at 11. I did the church nursery growing up all through middle and high school, and baby-sat at least 3 times a week. I have been exposed to a LOT of different family situations (mostly dysfunctional) though baby-sitting and have taken in over the years all the things I've seen and honestly thought hard about them. I've read dozens of books from all perspectives and even took Psychology in college. I don't think the way I do just because it's the way I was raised and I think my mom's always right. Good God, no, my mom makes me insane sometimes. My conclusions are carefully thought out.


I'm also not an anti-attachment parenting person. Jake nursed for 14 months. He still at 22 months sleep in bed with me. He's with me every minute I'm not at work. I end up watching his class during church all the time when they need a sub, because I actually feel bad about leaving him in the nursery on Sunday because I'm away from him so much during the week at work. I miss him. He's my entire world, and everyone who knows me knows that. But I refuse to raise a child who has no respect for others and who can't behave reasonably for his age level. I'm tired of dealing in my work with college-age students who have obviously never been spanked or made to behave and respect others. And I'm so tired of mothers who act like they're better than me because they don't believe in spanking and I'm not yet enlightened. I'm thrilled for you if you don't spank your child, but good God stop talking about all the ways it's so much better for children than spanking and even your child is so enlightened because of your parenting. And realize that if you get to talk about that side of it, people like me are going to talk about the other side.

We're not reinventing parenting here. You're not the first mother to ever raise a child and realize you're primarily responsilble for how they turn out. I'm so annoyed by the "I've come up with the best style of parenting EVER and everyone who does differently doesn't REALLY love their child." Here's what parenting is for real people: you do what you honestly think is best for your child at the time to the best of your ability. You make mistakes and you're never perfect but that doesn't mean you don't love your child.

Oh, and side note to that: don't tell working mothers that if they are going to work all the time they shouldn't have had children in the first place. So I guess an abortion would have been better than busting my ass trying to make a good life for my child, whom I adore? Maybe not working at all so we can live in a horrible neighborhood and not be able to afford safe transportation or decent food? Yeah, there's an idea.

When it comes to Jake -- and all children -- I am very calm and playful and happy and fair and extremely forgiving. But I'm consistant in making sure they behave. There are 2 boys at church I watch sometimes and the second they walk in the door I tell them they will not fight, yell, run, jump, or wrestle and if they do I'm marching them to where ever their dad is, even if he's in a meeting. They get somber for 5 seconds, then they're angels for the entire night. But if I don't give them the initial speech as they walk in the door, they're insane. Their mom is always amazed they behave so well for me.

And I do think that some of the touchy-feely, emotional parenting has merits. When Jake is wild I don't get mad and beat him. I calm him down by removing him from the situation and going with him to a quiet place, holding him and talking to him until he starts acting normal again. Takes about 2 minutes. I know that kids get hyper or over-stimulated and that's normal and they just need a little quiet and attention to come back to reality.

If it's something minor I get down on his level and say "I don't like the way you are acting. You need to stop." Followed by a statement of what he's doing wrong and what I would like for him to do. If it continues and gets worse? I say very calmly "Do you want spanked?" His eyes get big for a moment, it registers in his mind that I'm serious, he shakes his head and says "No no." Then stops acting up. Problem solved. He's not scared or traumatized because of my "threat." Just goes on playing. Do I actually have to spank him? Very rarely. Extremely rarely. And being "spanked" means a tap on the bottom.

Does he not trust me afterward? Have I broken down the relationship he has with me? Hardly. He crawls in my lap like his feelings are hurt and he needs reassurance -- which I give him. I'm not angry or mad with him afterward, I just tell him that he needs to listen to me when I tell him something, and that mommy doesn't like spanking him. Then he gets on with his life without giving it another thought.

Jake is a total mama's boy, always has been. He crawls all over me at every opportunity. He loves playing with me, sitting on the couch with me, always wants me within sight. Functions fine without me but gets extremely excited when he sees me again. He compulsively gives me hugs and kisses all day long. So no, I haven't damaged our relationship.


When my younger sister was 3 she ran in the street and almost got hit by a car, after being told repeatedly not to go near the street. My mom spanked her and made her stay inside for an entire week (in the middle of summer.) She begged and begged to go outside -- said "I promise I won't play in the street." But my mom held her ground, and do you think Kathy ever played in the street again? Nope. Had mom relented, Kathy probably would have played in the street again, AND realized that from then on, my mom's rules could be bent and changed with some whining and begging. And as for biting your children back when they won't stop biting -- my mom did that with my older sister and solved the problem right away. It didn't damage or traumatize her. Jake never bit me, so I didn't have the option of the experiment to see what works and what doesn't.

I don't think we're doing our kids any favors by letting them think the world is a nice place that will treat them well or fairly, because it won't. The real world sucks. And yes they'll find that out well enough on their own, but they need to be taught AT HOME about rules and responsibiities and that breaking rules brings about consequences -- it's simple cause and effect. If they're treated like royalty at home and are expecting the same treatment from the rest of the world, we're just setting them up for disappointment (not to mention failing at school and jobs and relationships). Not that we shouldn't love and adore our children -- but there's huge difference between CHERISHING and CODDLING.


I don't think my child is perfect, and I don't think I'm the perfect parent. I know that I should get down on the floor and play with Jake more often rather than sit on the couch and decompress and rest after working all day. I know I should probably make him eat more fresh

fruits and veggies even though he doesn't like them, and not let him eat so many hotdogs. I shouldn't let him watch "Bear in the Big Blue House" 6 times in one night. I know I should brush his teeth more than just once a day, every day. I know I shouldn't let him walk around barefoot outside all the time. But I do the best I can with what I have, I pick my battles, and I think between my mom and I Jake is a well-behaved, well-adjusted kid and is getting a pretty good up-bringing -- even if that does include an occasional spanking.