Jennifer's Diary Entries Diary Navigation: Choose A Diary Entry -------------------- Latest Entry: 12/10/04 -------------------- 9/23/04 8/8/04 7/22/04 7/14/04 7/13/04 6/30/04 6/17/04 6/11/04 6/1/04 5/10/04 4/26/03 4/16/03 4/5/03 3/29/03 3/23/03 1/1/01 -------------------- Jennifer's Introduction

June 1, 2004

June 1st, 2004

Well, once again I'm falling behind and neglecting my iP friends (and those who have moved to Blog-world) . . . I am bound and determined to put up a post today! May was an awful month, and it's been a pretty bad morning so far, but I'm not going to let that ruin June for me!!!

Jake will 21 months old on June 12th. How is my little baby getting so old? I'm already wondering what we should do for his 2nd birthday. I've always had horrible birthdays and I want to make his special. When we were going through pictures the other day and I found a picture from my birthday in 2nd grade. Do you know what my presents were? A box of chocolate-covered cherries and a woofle ball. What the hell? I said something about it to my sister and she asked my mom what she was thinking. She just shrugged and said "Birthdays were never very high on our priority list." Well, duh, I've realized that, mother.

And I know I shouldn't still be mad about it, but there are things that I just can't get over. And I know that compared to a lot of people I had a great childhood -- both parents were around, no substance abuse, dad had a decent job, we lived in a good neighborhood in an extremely safe (although tiny) town . . . but it really hurt me growing up that my mom didn't seem to care much about me beyond what I made people think of her. I still get upset when I see certain toys in the stores that I always wanted but she would never get me. When I was finally on my own I compulsively bought gumballs in every machine I saw (like at Walmart) because she would never let me even spend my own money on it. And yes, I know it's a waste of money and she knew that, just like she knew the stupid carosel rides outside Kmart are a waste of a quarter, but they were FUN and I just wanted to have a little fun and I just wanted to feel special enough that my mother cared to spend a few quarters on me every once in a while. She buys Jake everything she sees and she pretty much gives him anything he shows an interest in (yes, she lets him ride the dumb rides outside stores.)

And I don't believe in over-indulgent parenting and letting your kids do anything they want, but I think it's possible to go WAY too far the other way like my mom did with us and not let kids do anything fun or silly or impractical just because it's a waste of time or money. It's stupid for me to be mad about this still (and it's not an ANGER thing, I'm just sad about it), but what really upsets me is that she's the complete opposite with Jake. In fact, she act with him the way I always wished she would have acted with me, and it makes me wonder why she loves him so much and why she just can't love me that way. OH MY GOD I just realized why I'm so upset: I think my mom loves Jake more than she loves me. Wow. (See what keeping a diary does for you?) All I have ever wanted is my mother's approval and to feel like she's proud of me and accepts me for who I am instead of picking me apart and showing me my every fault . . . and in Jake she sees pure perfection. Geez, how can I be 25 years old and when it comes to my mother still feel like I'm 13? And I love her, and I'm glad she moved out here, and I'm so thankful that she's here to help me with Jake. She's functioning wonderfully as a grandmother, but she still hasn't figured out how to be a good mother to us. Our sister Mary has stopped talking to her all together (of course, Mary has ISSUES), but Kathy just shrugs it off like she doesn't care. Kathy's never been a very emotional person, but I think that might be a defense mechanism.

Then on top of all this, Mom thinks I'm jealous that Jake likes her so much, but actually I'm not jealous about that at all. (Although she really wants me to be.) I think it's good that he has a great relationship with his grandparents and that he has so many people that he knows he can depend on. I never had that growing up and I wanted it so bad, so I make family relationships a high priority for Jake. Yesterday from across the room, I asked Jake to give me a hug and he walked over to my sister Kathy and gave her a big hug -- I just laughed about it. It was close enough for me. Kathy loves him and she is great for keeping him in line. She can really enforce the rules with him because she's not emotionally attached the way I am. When Jake won't listen to me and starts pitching fits it upsets me because I have so much invested in him. I'm so emotionally tied up in who he is and what he does, it really bothers me when he's bad, because I want him to be a good kid (because when kids are monsters, it's always the mother's fault in everyone's eyes.) He tests his limits, and I'm sad to say that sometimes with me, he wins. Kathy, though, she stands her ground no matter what, if she has to stand there with him for 10 minutes until he picks up the toys he threw, she'll do it. She doesn't spank him, doesn't yell at him, just tells him what he needs to do and why, and stays with him until he does. That's what I try to do, but sometimes I'm too tired and I give up. I've got to work on that.

Wow, I really didn't want to start out my entry with a rant. I just wanted to say that Jake's birthday is coming up and 3 months goes by faster than you would think. It'll be here in no time.

UNCLE DAVID
Lou's Uncle David isn't doing very good. We saw him last weekend at a fish-fry at Lou's grandparents' church. Uncle Roger and Aunt Julie were there, too. No one told me David had lost all his hair, and I was shocked when I saw him -- he looked like a 70-year-old cancer patient. (Duh, Jen, he IS a cancer patient. He's only in his 40's, tho.) But he looked so old, and so frail. I felt horrible for him. I guess today is the day we find out the latest test results to see if the chemo has helped at all. I haven't heard anything yet. Lou's grandmother (Frankie) is a nervous wreck. I feel so bad for her, but there's nothing I can do. Talking about it just upsets her. I do spend time with her (more than Lou does, actually), so she knows she can talk to me and that I'll come over if she needs me. I think Lou's in denial about the whole thing, he doesn't talk about it much. I've been to two family funerals with him -- Frankie's mother when we first started dating, and Frankie's sister when Jake was 11 months old. Both times threw him for a loop because funerals bring back all the pain of when his mom died. I hate dealing with this. I hate seeing everyone in so much pain, and I hate to think what the summer might bring.

On the plus side, though, writing this is helping me realize why I always feel tired and a little sad lately. There's just too much happening in my life to start with (sometimes being a working mom sucks, even though I mostly enjoy my work and no, quitting my job is not an option, we're barely squeaking by to pay off those student loans as it is) and then I add on top of it dealing with these emotionally charged family issues . . . I know that something needs to change, but I can't figure out what. Maybe I should start with something simple like getting more sleep and not caring about the things that don't get done when I go to bed before 11 p.m.

I think I want this to be an entry in and of itself, because I don't want to start like this and then go on to talk about what a great and fun kid Jake is. I need to let that be its own entry, and it needs to be on a day when I'm in a better mood. We're having a really busy day at work and I think my work stress has been carrying over to the rest of my life way too much lately. Of course, a study was just released that says for every 1/2 hour you spend in the car a day, you're 3% more likely to be overweight. I spend TWO HOURS in the car every day. Thanks, that's really helping me. Ugh. Ok. It's all good, things will get better. I'll try to write again later this week with a more upbeat entry.

Jen