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December 12, 2003

December 12, 2003

It's A Pity Party!!!!

I’m sad. Actually I fear I’m slipping back into the depression I have fought off most of my life. Last Sunday I could not even bring myself to get dressed, something I have never done before. I was just feeling so fat that I could not even face the thought of putting on clothes and having them feel tight. I see pictures of myself last year and remember how quickly my body “went down” after having Maxx, I was so hopeful that I would be able to get myself back into shape which seemed to be happening but over the summer the pounds started coming back even though I felt like I was eating the same or less than before.

On to other things…
Tom and I got into a huge fight two weeks ago. I went shopping with my mom WITHOUT the kids which meant that Tom had to baby-sit. He seemed fine with it before I left he even asked when I would be home and I had told him probably not before 7:30 p.m. He should know by now that shopping with my mom is a whole day affair. Usually we just take the kids with but since he was off that day we thought that maybe we could just go by ourselves. Everything started out fine, Tom took the kids with him to get some work done on our van and I got an early start over to my moms. About 1:30 I noticed that I had missed a call from Tom on my cell phone. When I called him he told me he needed to know what time I would be home because he had a surprise for dinner. I tried to tell him I really didn’t know and I was afraid to give him an exact time because he would be mad if I wasn’t home at that exact time(remember I told him before I left that I wouldn’t be home before 7:30). He also stated complaining about all the work he had done on the van and he felt he got ripped off plus the van still wasn’t running right. The whole conversation ended with him hanging up on me because I wouldn’t give him an exact time that I would be home. I spent the rest of the afternoon mad at him and wasn’t really able to enjoy having the day to myself. I also had to cut my day short because I was afraid he’d be even madder if I came home at 7:30. On my way home he called to see where I was and informed me that I would be missing a great dinner; turkey with all the trimmings. We got into an argument about how he ruined my day; he didn’t seem to think he did and couldn’t remember me telling him I’d be home at 7:30 in the first place. He also couldn’t understand how we could shop for 6 hours straight. I tried to tell him it wasn’t about the shopping it was about me being able to have a day to myself, he gets to go out with his friends after work, and he gets to go out with our neighbor. Several times when he’s gone out with our neighbor they’ve come back and said they were going to watch the kids so I could go do things with the neighbors wife. A couple of other times when I’ve complained I never get to do anything he tells me to just ask! This phone call ended with him hanging up on me again. I was so upset I just wanted to cry! When I got home luckily Tom had cleaned up his mess from cooking. I was afraid he was going to leave me with it and when Tom cooks it’s as if a tornado has hit the kitchen. He seemed more concerned that I try his turkey more than anything else. I think he wanted me to compare it with what my parents had made on Thanksgiving he’s very competitive that way. My parents turkey was better, LOL!!!!

The next day Tom tried to act like nothing had happened and then the next day he informed me that I am going to have to go back to work because money is tight. When we started talking about having kids and I told him I wanted to be a SAHM Tom was totally against the idea; he didn’t think we could afford it and his mother had always had some kind of job. I had to PROVE that if I continued to work we wouldn’t come out ahead. Luckily the Chicago Tribune ran an article on that very subject and with what I made and after day care and other expenses we would incur with two working parents we would come out with a whopping $11 a month! Right before I got pregnant with Kevin Tom got a part time job at a radio station that paid him the same as my salary for part time hours, this was great especially since it was something he enjoys and would have taken the job even if I wasn’t pregnant and going to be a SAHM. This worked great for 4 years then last November the radio station let Tom know that they would be combining his position with another and making that into a full time job, Tom was welcome to the position but he’d have to work the midnight shift with his police job and then work all day long, come home and sleep and then back to work. It just wouldn’t work for us so he stayed with the radio station until they found someone else. Luckily they let him stay a lot longer than we thought. Somehow since he stopped working the part time job something has always come along and we were able to make ends meet. Lately though things have gotten really tight, the way his rotating days off fell the last couple of month’s one paycheck would have an extra day and then the next check would be short a day. It just so happens that the short check was always the one that the mortgage would come out of and the way our mortgage is now we are always short because our escrow account is behind because when we refinanced Tom didn’t cash out enough to put in the escrow account. Up until now we were supposed to be putting money a side for taxes which hardly ever happened. Tom’s friend who did the refinance for us also told Tom to pay the first tax installment and then call to have the escrow account set up but Tom called before paying it and then the bank paid the first installment and Tom refused to pay what we had saved into the escrow account. UUGGHH, he never listens to ME he always listens to friends at work or uses these guys to get “a deal” and these “deals” always turn around and bite us in the a$$! What was my point here? Oh, me going back to work, Tom decided that I should go the company I used to work for (they just opened a store about 4 minutes from my house) and ask the manager (I’ve worked with him as a superior and an employee) for a job. There are a couple of things Tom didn’t take into account; I’m probably not hirable because I walked off the job, if I was hirable they don’t just hire people and let them work the hours they want, the discount that I would get on merchandise isn’t worth it (I can get stuff cheaper at wal-mart), and I would have to work 6 hours to make what Tom could make in 1 hour O.T. Believe me I have thought a lot about going back to work and I can’t seem to find a way to do it. If I found something, we’re talking retail here, I could only work a long shift on overnights but this wouldn’t really work because there are going to be times when Tom has to work O.T and you can’t just call in for that. If that was possible I would be living on virtually no sleep because by the time I got home in the morning and went to sleep it would be time for me to get up so Tom could go to work. I can’t work day hours because I’d have to pay someone to watch the kids and that wouldn’t be helping us monetarily, evening are out for the same reason, and also Tom doesn’t work a permanent 5 day week, his days off rotate. The ideal thing would be something to do from home but I don’t think daycare would work. I’ve looked into data entry over the Net but that seems to be a scam. Tom needs to get his voice over business going! It’s been a year since we built the studio in the basement and he really hasn’t been as tenacious as I thought with going out and getting business.

Tom had his consultation appointment about his vasectomy last Monday. While I was pregnant with Maxx I was sure that I was done having children but now I’m not so sure. Tom, however is sure, he didn’t even want to have Maxx. I think now though he sees that babies can be somewhat enjoyable. When he called to tell me about the appointment I was very short with him and very monotone. Later he called and asked if I was okay with the vasectomy and I told him that I wasn’t sure. He tried to talk me into it but I am really not sure. I always pictured my self with three even though pregnancy hasn’t been a pleasant thing for me. I am SO CONFUSED!!!! We don’t really have the room for another child, if we did have one and wanted them all to have there own rooms we’d have to re-do our library/ loft room and I’m not sure I want to give that up. I never had to share a room so I don’t want my kids to have to either. How do you know when your done having kids???? Now Tom says that if he puts off having the vasectomy I have to go on BCP because he feels like he doesn’t have as much control over things as he used to. I don’t really want to go on BCP but at least they aren’t permanent. I’m also relieved he won’t do it against my wishes.

Well after I wrote the above paragraph Tom and I really got into about the vasectomy. I thought that at the end of our conversation he agreed to wait and see, I got the distinct impression that he was saying that he would be open to having another child in the future. So I’m walking around here picturing myself with another child, not in the near future but sometime. Then he tells me before he goes to work that he is defiantly done having kids, period. We argued about it and then he brings my mom into it saying I should ask her and she would agree with him. When I told him that my mom said she thought we should wait he got all mad that I had told her. Then he tells me his dad agrees with him, so what??? Isn’t this between Tom and me? I didn’t bring it up with my mom just to throw it in his face, I was just sounding off.

When it rains it pours! I took the kids to get their pictures take with Santa. They turned out okay, the kids look fine, but Santa has a strange look on his face. At our mall they have “the REAL Santa” It’s a guy who really has white hair and a beard. They don’t wear a traditional Santa suit either. What was nice about this experience is they always ask the kids names before they let you into see Santa so it seems like Santa really knows who the kids are. This Santa really took his time and talked to Kevin. Maxx didn’t cry but he couldn’t figure out who the strange guy was. I also took the kids to The Picture people for a picture together and Maxx’s 1 year pictures. The girl I had wasn’t that good she’d get the kids set and then jump back and have to adjust her camera and by that time Maxx had crawled or walked out of the picture. She should have gotten someone else to help her. While we were waiting for the picture to be done we saw Santa and went to the Disney store. I was not happy with the pictures when we saw them. Some where too close, some weren’t centered, why they even bothered to print some of them I have no idea. I had a coupon for a free 10x13 and then because I’m a member I got a free sheet. I was only going to take those and I also inquired about getting another free sheet because they didn’t give me my free sheet last time but the girl said no. That’s when I lost it and complained about the service and the poor quality of pictures I was given to choose from. They only offered to let me have another sitting, which I insisted on doing right then. Of course it was at this time that about 20 people showed up to get there pictures taken. The second session didn’t go well because the kids where tired and hungry and the girl was really annoyed with me. This second girl didn’t have anyone to help her even though I complained about that being the first girl’s problem. We got a couple of more shots and then we were sent off for another hour! I should also mention that while I was waiting for the second set of pictures to be taken one of my old boyfriends came in the store after seeing me through the window. Lovely! This was the last guy I dated before meeting Tom and he had some real problems; like not telling me about a couple of marriages and children! I was so stressed about the pictures that I hardly spoke to him which was probably a good thing because I don’t need a stalker. I spent the rest of the time at them mall scanning to make sure he wasn’t following me around.

While we where in The Picture People viewing the first set of crappy pictures Kevin befriended a little girl who he called Berry Ellen, it turns out her name was Gabriella! When we went to get dinner while we waited for the second set we ran into them again and ended up eating with them. The mother was really nice; she’s Middle Eastern but grew up mostly in Australia. We went back to look at the pictures together and then went to the play area afterwards. The second set of pictures didn’t turn out that great either but I ended up picking a picture of Maxx and a picture of them together, one from each session. By then all I wanted to do was get out of there and it was about 6 p.m. by that time and our first appointment was at 2 p.m.! Of course they give you your pictures to look at then leave you alone and at that time of night there we about 50 people in there waiting for pictures and people picking up pictures. I finally had to jump in front of someone to get service. I had to wait even longer for my 10x13 to be printed by that time Maxx was screaming along with about 3 other babies. I was SO glad to be out of there. Kevin had a great time playing with “Berry Ellen” and her mother and I exchanged numbers so hopefully we’ll se them again.

Maxx is really changing a lot, he is becoming very independent. I’m still nursing him but he won’t nurse to sleep now so I’ve been putting him down awake. He fusses for a little bit but will go to sleep. Kevin used to throw fits and would not go to sleep for a long time after I would put him down. Maxx also has been taking really short naps, I used to get about 2-3 hours out of him but now he’s only sleeping about 45 min. – an hour, I hope this is just a short phase!!! Maxx is such a sweet kid most of the time but he really has a temper, he squirms so much while I change his diaper I have to keep turning him back over and hold him on his back, he cries and screams and then he growls! There have been several times when Kevin has done stuff to him and when Maxx has had enough he goes at Kevin like he’s going to bite. Boy is Kevin going to be surprised when Maxx finally gets strong enough to really lash out! I finally took Maxx for his blood work and urine test, it took forever. First they taped a bag around his diaper area and then they did the blood work. I thought they would prick his toes and squeeze the blood out but they did it just like and adult in the arm. It took me and two techs’s to do it, then we had to wait until he peed in the bag which ended up taking about an hour and a half. My mom went with me and then we ran a few Christmas errands. Maxx still doesn’t say much but he seems to be trying to talk and I think I’ve even gotten a few more “mamas” out of him.

Kevin had his Christmas concert for preschool Wednesday night. Last year I had to go by myself with newborn Maxx so I was glad when Tom could come this year with a very wiggly Maxx. Tom’s parents also came along. The concert was nice although Kevin was having a hard time standing still by the end of it. Maxx was pretty good we just passed him around between all of us. After the concert we went out to dinner and talked for a while. No new news with Tom’s sister and her daughter other than Tom’s niece got her drivers license and her parents bought her a car, we’ll see how long that purchase will keep the peace!

Kevin has 3 more loose teeth! At the rate he’s going he’ll have lost all his baby teeth in a year! At least he already had his school pictures so by next year he shouldn’t have any gapping holes.

I still haven’t gotten my Christmas cards out yet, I just got the pictures back that I took of the boys and choose one for the cards. Tomorrow I will get the one I choose reprinted so I can enclose them in the cards. We weren’t getting many cards but all of a sudden we’re getting tons in the mail. I LOVE getting cards and I also don’t mind those holiday letters some people write. I can’t believe Christmas is so close, I can’t wait! I honestly don’t like getting presents for myself but I truly enjoy shopping for other people and can’t wait to see their faces when they open the gifts I’ve chosen for them. I’m not sure yet if Tom and I are going to exchange gifts yet since money is kind of tight. Oh well I have everything I need already!

On to trivial things~ did anyone watch the Average Joe finale? I got sucked into that one just on the premise of the show. I couldn’t believe she choose the “Hunk”. Adam was so much better; in fact he should be the next Bachelor. Speaking of which did anyone watch Ryan and Trista’s wedding? I thought it was really nice; now let’s hope they stay together! I couldn’t believe that Jen and Andrew broke up; out of all of them I thought those two were the ones who seemed perfect for each other.

What we are reading:
Jenni~Emma’s Gift by Leisha Kelly

Kevin~Auntie Claus By Elise Primavera, The Bearer of Gifts by Steven Kenneth, and The Polar Express by Chris Van Allsburg (Kevin goes to bed each night waiting for the Polar Express)

Maxx~ The Big Red Barn by Margaret Wise Brown and The Teletubbies Magic String


Until next Time have a safe and Festive Holiday Season!!!!

Jenni, Kevin, and Maxx

I have updated the kids websites and will post links on my TTM board

Congratulations to Kelly and Kevin (MT) on the birth of their little Austin!