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November 11, 2003
November 11, 2003
I will manage to get to Maxx’s birthday party eventually. I had planned an entry about this sordid mess later on, but after what happened after Maxx’s party I need to get all this off my chest. I also have to mention that my family is nowhere near perfect but my husband’s family defiantly has problems!
Okay ~ I first met my Tom’s family three days after I met him and after meeting them I knew I was truly in love with Tom. I met Tom’s parents; his mom was going to collage and was working on her bachelor’s degree in social work. I also met Tom’s sister and her SECOND husband and her daughter from her first marriage. His sister was pregnant at the time and she eventually lost that baby(a boy) at 20 weeks. Over the course of that first year I also met Tom’s brother and his first wife. He was married to a girl no one liked because she treated him horribly and was constantly putting him down in front of his whole family but they lived out of state so we didn’t see or hear much from them.
Every thing seemed pretty normal the first ten months of our relationship (but when you’re in a new relationship you’re in that “honeymoon” phase anyway). Tom asked me to marry him in March(we met in May) while we were on a trip to Germany, Austria and Hungary to present the Hungarians bullet proof vests for the vest exchange program that Tom was developing at work. Everything went wrong on this trip but we did get engaged but we almost became unengaged on the same trip when Tom compared me to his ex-wife during an argument. If I could have gotten the ring off my hand I would have given it back to him. When we got back his sister called me and I found out during the conversation that he had told her all about the argument and she had told him his comments where very uncalled for. While I was glad that she had told him how wrong he was I was becoming concerned about the amount of information he was sharing with his sister and he always seemed to listen to her advice more than mine.
Even though I didn’t like that aspect of their relationship I really liked and respected his sister. She seemed to have everything; a great personality, a great job and a wonderful family. She also seemed like she wanted to be friends. I was really burned by a friend I had back in high school so I was really leery of getting close to anther girlfriend. Still I asked her to be my Matron of honor and she was thrilled and accepted.
A couple of months later Tom’s mom was getting her masters degree and Tom’s brother and wife came in town for the ceremony. Tom and I spent a whole day with them and I ended up driving with her when we went to pick up Tom’s dad’s gift to Tom’s mom, which was a car. I immediately disliked her, she was every thing Tom’s family said she was but I made the best of it even though she tried to draw me in and get me to say horrible thing about Tom’s family too. When we got to Tom’s sister’s house for the celebration dinner Tom’s sister made a big point of making a big fuss over me and asked me to help her with dinner. I could see what she was trying to do and I went along with it because I disliked Tom’s bothers wife so much. While I was helping Tom’s sister I noticed she had some bruises and cuts on her arm. When I asked about them she said she got them while mowing the lawn. Something didn’t seem right about that answer, especially since she doesn’t seem like someone who would be mowing the lawn but I let it go.
A month or so later Tom called me at work to tell me that he had gotten a call from his sister’s husband saying that he had had it with her and that she was lying and hiding things form him and they had had a physical confrontation. Now I knew how she had gotten the bruises and cuts from before. I also found out that her first husband was physically abusive also. Tom gave him some advice and no one told Tom’s parents what had happened. A couple of weeks later Tom’s sister found out she was pregnant and was due in March, which was also the month we were getting married.
Things seemed to settle down for a while. In February of the next year Tom’s sister had a baby girl and it was a month before we were getting married Tom’s brother calls and says that his wife is leaving him for another man. Tom’s dad and sister’s husband went and moved him back from out of state. We found out late they were having an “open” marriage and they could sleep with other people if they were attracted to them or something. Tom’s sister wouldn’t share all the details and I don’t think she even knew the whole truth. Tom’s brother and his first wife ended up getting a divorce and he got a job here and decided to live here.
Awhile later Tom’s sister had an “accident” when a vase fell off a shelf in the garage and cut her face. We found out later that her husband had thrown something at her and it cut her face. I’m sure there were a few more incidents that we did and didn’t hear about. Later in the year Tom’s sister got pregnant again and I was also pregnant with Kevin. It was also during this our pregnancies that Tom’s sister and husband decided to build a huge house in a very affluent suburb. I also started to notice that after each “incident” that they made some major purchase. They could afford it, they were both selling software and at this time that business was booming. In September Tom’s sister had another girl and I had Kevin. During this Tom I continued my friendship with Tom’s sister and we’d get together every once in awhile but we never really discussed her marital problems. I didn’t want to pry and I figured she’d talk about it if she wanted to.
I think a couple of years went by and we didn’t hear about any major incidents. Although they were both on medication and supposed to be seeking therapy. Tom’s brother also met a nice girl and decided to get married the following fall. Tom’s sister also had another baby girl. During that summer before Tom’s brother’s wedding we got together with his sister and family everyone was having a great time. I was upstairs with Tom’s sister and Tom and his sister’s husband were downstairs with all the kids and we could hear them all laughing and having a great time. We started to hear them come up stairs and all of sudden we hear screaming. We go running down there and Tom and his BIL are at each others throats and screaming at each other and all the kids were crying. What had happened was they were all coming upstairs because it was getting late and Tom’s BIL wanted to get home. On their way up Tom told his niece (the oldest girl who is the child from the first marriage) to do something and her dad (he adopted her) told her to do something else. She did what Tom said so his sister’s husband grabbed his daughter and pulled her down the stairs, which hurt and scared her and knocked all our pictures off. Tom was telling his BIL to get out but BIL kept screaming she’s his daughter and he can do what he wants. I was getting worried that this was going to really escalated and all these little kids are witnessing this so I called the police. Tom’s sister wouldn’t sign a complaint and since his niece was a minor she couldn’t. The police were at our house for hours and I was stuck in the basement with all the kids, who by this time were completely exhausted. The police ended up telling Tom’s BIL to go to a hotel for the night and to not go home. I assumed his sister would be staying with us so while she was outside with her husband waiting for the cab I put all the kids to bed. After her husband left we talked to her and I just couldn’t believe this was the same person I admired and respected. She was a classic battered woman. She ended up going home and we later found out that’s where her husband went too. Over the next couple of days there were phone calls back in forth to Tom’s parents from Tom and his sister. It ended up that they all agreed Tom and I had over reacted. I got together with his sister soon after that and I couldn’t believe how she was acting. She had just had this major trauma and wasn’t sure about how her marriage was going to end up and she’s still talking about decorating her house. I’m not talking one room here, they were having the whole thing done at once; painters, contractors, custom drapes!
Tom’s brother got married a couple of months later and it had to be the most awkward thing I ever done. We sat with Tom’s parents and his sister and family sat across the room on the bride’s side. I couldn’t make eye contact with him and either could Tom. Christmas was just as awkward only this time we were all crammed together in a small space.
During that Thanksgiving and Christmas season Tom’s sister saw me talking to Tom’s brother’s new wife and she even made a comment about her being a little jealous of how we were getting along. Not too long after that Tom’s brother and wife decided to buy a house, which Tom and I didn’t think they could afford. They decided to look where we lived and out where Tom’s sister lives. Of course they ended up out by Tom’s sister. I have to admit I was very jealous of this because Tom works so hard and I figured that if anybody deserved to buy a house it was us. This issue also caused Tom and I some problems.
A couple of months later Tom’s sister mentioned getting together on a certain day. That day came and I didn’t hear from her so I gave her a call to see if she still wanted to get together. She then tells me that sure I could join her and Tom’s brother’s wife because they had decided to go shopping that day. I was shocked, she had mentioned getting together with me and then it seemed she had forgotten about it. I went anyway and was even more shocked when I got to the mall and they had already eaten and were waiting for me and Kevin. I was very hurt but let it go. (Actually I never have but didn’t want to seem like I was making a mountain out of a mole hill).
Over the next year I withdrew from my friendship with Tom’s sister as it was apparent to me that she was more interested in being friends with Tom’s brother’s wife (I should mention she was now pregnant). I was also fed up with little things that had always bothered me about her. Like how she’d talk about getting together and doing things and never follow through. She’d say she would call me back but never would. As I said before I had a hard time opening up to the idea after a new friendship after what happened in high school and then I had and the very person I decided to trust had again had done almost the same exact thing to me. The way they flaunted this new found friendship was actually kind juvenile and very disgusting to me. Tom’s sister was present for the birth of Tom’s brother’s child. It was really too much!
Tom’s brother lost his job soon after and for what ever reason had problems keeping or getting a job. His brother wife, who is a nurse, wouldn’t get a job. They were behind on their mortgage. They kept coming up with schemes to make money but never did any of them and ended up spending more money them. The ended up losing their house and had to move into a rental. Tom’s dad helped them out so much but the seemed totally unfazed by what was happening to them. Tom tried helping his brother get into the fire fighter program in a few towns, he never followed through. Tom got him into the police program where Tom works but he failed the physical because his brother never trained for it. During this time Tom’s sister kind of got fed up with Tom’s brother’s wife and she’d e-mail me that she was so glad that Tom had married a great woman. I could see what she was trying to do and I didn’t let myself get sucked in again. I’d love to be friend again but I just can’t trust her! I should add that Tom has talked to his sister about how I feel and she told him that how she was acting was “unintentional”. Now that I know that I’m even more upset because she obviously hasn’t made an effort to change her behavior. Tom says I need to make more of an effort also. I chose her as Maxx’s godmother even though I didn’t want to. I think I made an effort!!!!
In a nut shell, now Tom’s brother’s wife is pregnant again and they’ve lost both of their cars and are behind in their rent. Tom’s brother finally got a job (his wife did go back to nursing for a while but is having problems with her pregnancy and quit) but his salary will nowhere near cover rent plus all their other expenses. Now Tom’s dad is thinking of buying a house and charging them rent. How he plans to do this is a whole other entry and I won’t bore you with the details. Tom is totally against this because his brother really hasn’t seemed to make an effort over the last two years to help himself out of this situation. Especially since Tom sometimes works up to three jobs so I can stay home with our children.
Back to Tom’s sister husband~ Over the last year there have been several situations that have come up involving the oldest girl who is now sixteen. She’s a typical sixteen year old with a mouth on her. Tom’s niece has expressed fear of her step father to many of us but we are all a loss of how to help her. I’m not saying she’s perfect and totally innocent in these situations but her step father has no right to act as he does; physically push her around and break things. Last week they got into it again and so Tom’s sister and husband decided it would be better for their oldest daughter to live with Tom’s parents. They had her pack all her clothes and they took her over to Tom’s parent’s house and dropped her off. Now we’re up to date.
Tom, Kevin, Maxx and I were all sick the week before Maxx’s party. At first I didn’t have it so bad but right before the party the cold turned into an ear infection and I’ve never had an ear infection before so I was MISERABLE. Tom asked his parents to come over to help and they did. They were a tremendous help. Maxx managed to fall on the morning of his party and cut the area around his left eye. He was walking towards the train table and just missed it as he reached out to grab it. We had our neighbor, who is a nurse look at it and she didn’t think he needed stitches. About ten minutes before the party was scheduled to start Tom’s brother called to R.S.V.P ~ they weren’t coming, BIG SURPRISE!!!! We had thirty-five people in our house including nine kids. We sent the kids to the basement to play and for the most part they did okay once they got used to playing with each other. At one point Kevin started screaming and crying, I guess he was trying to kiss another kid (a boy) and he bumped his nose. I was worried because I knew my sister’s husband was downstairs and I think he resents Kevin because he really wanted a son and he has three daughters instead. He did ask Tom why Kevin gets so wound up and excited as if there is something wrong with him but Tom just told him it’s a boy thing. As far as the kissing thing goes Kevin hasn’t figured out yet that boys don’t kiss boys and that boys don’t play with girl toys. I don’t have the heart to break it to him about the toys; I think he’ll figure that out on his own. We did explain that it’s okay to kiss your dad and grandpa but not other boys. It seemed like everyone had a great time at the party. We had Italian beef sandwiches, mosticholli, garlic bread and salad. We had tons of food left over. Tom always worries we won’t have enough so he tends to go overboard we buy the food. I made a chili cheese dip and a BLT dip and we also had a vegetable tray for who wanted to hold him. He loved his cake and didn’t make too much of a mess. Maxx also got a lot of nice gifts; lots of clothes, new books, and a few toys (which Kevin loves). The only bad thing was the tension between Tom’s sister, her husband and their daughter. At the end of the party I was talking to Tom’s sister and her daughter came and asked when they were leaving and her mom said “I’m not ready to have you home yet” and then her daughter asked how she was supposed to get to school and her mom just said the same thing. Tom’s parents came into the room to talk to her about the situation and I took Maxx to feed him dinner. Everyone ended up in my dinning room to discuss the situation including Tom. I was in the kitchen with Maxx and had put on a movie for all the other kids and luckily I had the volume turned up. They were all talking calmly and then I started hearing all kinds of yelling. I couldn’t hear everything they were saying because my ears were so plugged up. Then my MIL came and asked for her coat because she was not going to take any more abuse from that jerk. I went to get their coats and everyone was in standing in the dinner room and “the jerk” was yelling at everyone. I continued to feed Maxx and I could here Tom yelling at his BIL to get out of our house. Apparently they were discussing parenting and Toms’ BIL started attacking Tom’s parents and things they did parenting their daughter all of which was somewhat true but apparently Tom’s sister left out what she did to provoke what happened. Tom’s BIL stormed out of the house and then Tom’s sister started screaming at everyone. She kept screaming that she was going to send her daughter away to boarding school. They were all arguing and then all of sudden there was a huge sob and they all sounded like they were praying. I leaned forward and I could see them all hugging including Tom’s sister’s husband, who I didn’t hear come back in. They were all apologizing and then soon after Tom’s sister and her family left minus her oldest daughter. Tom’s parents and niece stayed and help clean up a little and then left. Tom later told me that his BIL asked if he could come get his daughters and as he passed them he grabbed them all and pulled them into a group hug and said he was sorry and this isn’t the person he wants to be. This whole situation is so disgusting because every time this guy does something he gets forgiven too easily and he keeps doing it over and over again. After eight years of this stuff and medication and therapy I really don’t think this guy is going to change. I don’t know why Tom’s sister can’t see this; if you knew her you wouldn’t believe it either. As it stands now Tom’s niece is staying with a friend because they are still not ready for her to come home. I guess Tom’s parents have decided to take her in if Tom’s sister starts up about sending her away to boarding school. What are they going to do when their other daughters become teenagers?
On to bigger and better things~ we had Kevin’s parent teacher conference and it went really well. His teacher said she’s going to keep a picture of him so when he’s famous or the president she can say she knew him when… she also said that she’s has a degree in childhood psychology but Kevin can really throw her off sometimes because he is so adult like. We expressed our concern with his behavior and she said he starts acting up when I come to get him. So she gave me some ideas on how to get him to behave. I’ve tried some of it and it seems to be working. Really I think we have to be extra diligent with our disciplining him because if you let your guard down with him he’ll walk all over you. He’s way too smart for a five year old!
Maxx is walking more and more! Now instead of walking with his arms out in front of him he walks with his arms over head. He can also get to a standing position from sitting without holding onto anything and he can bend down and pick things up. Maxx is still not talking that much but I can see that he’s trying to. He indicated that he wants to be picked up so I’m trying to get him to say “up” when he does it. I’m still nursing him and I think I’ll continue to for a while. He does get some whole milk and he loves all foods, especially tomatoes which I find a bit strange. Kevin really liked them too at this age.
I went to the doctor for my ears and got some antibiotics and I’m feeling a little better. I still can’t hear very well though. I also stated another period, Yuk! I’m happy to say I made through this cycle with only a slight headache that lasted a few hours. I’m very thankful for that because I can not imagine what it would have been like to have an ear infection and a migraine! My cycles are almost on track which is strange because after Kevin they were really erratic.
I guess that is all for this entry, as if all that wasn’t enough!!!!! I really needed to get it all out off my chest, so thanks for listening!
I plan on updating Maxx’s website soon with pictures from his party so keep checking his website. I did put a bunch of new pictures on there last week.
www.babiesonline.com/babies/m/maxx
www.babiesonline.com/babies/k/kfro
Until next time,
Jenni, Kevin and Maxx
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