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March 14, 2000

I've been told that 18-24 months is one of the more difficult phases of childhood, and up until this point I thought I'd lucked out. However, the past couple of days have been very trying, and I am viewing my upcoming trip to Chicago (all by myself!) with great anticipation.

Sometimes, I really feel like I'm just not that good of a mom because I get so frustrated. I'm one of those people who take a long time to cool off once they get mad, and so even when one of Jason's tantrums has worn off, I'm still simmering. He's been such a mellow, easy-going little guy for so long, that I feel somewhat at a loss as to how to deal with this new little devil-boy in my life.

He hasn't been napping very well in the last couple of days, and I know that's a big part of it. I can even see that he just needs external restraint and guidance from me, but how do you go about making dinner if you need to prevent your child from dismantling the vacuum cleaner and singing into the very dusty hose? Yes, this is one of the many things that happened last night. If I hadn't been so tired and hungry, it really would have been pretty funny, but as it was, it was just one more thing for me to clean up.

I've been thinking more and more about my job situation, and I have to admit there's this small voice that says, "If you continue to work full-time, then someone else has to deal with this for 9 hours a day." I don't particularly like that voice, and I don't like what it says about me. I know it's a totally human emotion, and understandable after a trying couple of days, but Jason is my responsibility, and truth be told, it's hard enough to be apart from him as much as I am.

On the plus side, one thing that balances all the frustration out is that Jason has been very snuggly and affectionate. His kisses are so sweet, even if they are a little soggy, LOL. Last night as he was going to sleep, he'd roll over, pat me on the face and giggle. I do love him so very much.