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February 8, 2000

Jason's back to being crabby. Poor guy, he's got a cold that's given him a bad cough, and I know it's not comfortable. It's making everything difficult for him (including sleep -- yawn!), and the slightest frustration is the world's biggest tragedy. Normally he can run smack into a wall, and he'll cry a little bit, but right now if he sits down hard he's howling. We'll have to keep an eye on this one -- one of his playmates had a similar cold and it turns out it's a form of walking pneumonia. So far, Jason hasn't run a fever, so I'm not too worried, but it's still a concern.

He's continuing to exert as much independence as he can, and has really started testing his limits. His new thing is to hit and then sit back and giggle. We've got to nip this in the bud. We're trying the time-out approach, and explaining to him why hitting isn't okay. I have no idea if he understands us, but he seems to. The other day he somehow got a hold of some heavy-duty nail clippers and whacked me on the forehead with them. I told him "No!" and he smacked me with his hand and was smiling. So, I put him in the crib for a couple minutes. When I took him out, I told him that hitting hurt, and I pointed to the mark on my forehead. He pointed to it, looked sad and said "Ohhhhhhh." That part was very sweet.

What's interesting to me is that at the same time he's becoming more independent, he's also showing far more separation anxiety. He cries more when we drop him off at daycare, or even when we leave the room at our house. It makes it tough to jump up and get something when there's a little boy who's crying like the world's coming to an end.

The last week's been hard. Emotionally, I'm still pretty raw from the miscarriage, and so dealing with the ups and downs of toddler-hood is challenging. Sometimes I question why I'm even thinking of having another child when it seems like I can barely handle the one I do have. I know it's a contextual feeling -- most of the time I know I'll do fine -- it's just that everything seems to be in flux right now, and so it's all very stressful.

Maybe it's just that it's February. I've started to become a little wary of this month. It seems like this is when many of the emotional upheavals in my life happen, and then add to the baggage that accrues throughout the years. I vote that we forget this month and move on to the next.

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