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Jen's Diary Entries Diary Navigation: Choose A Diary Entry -------------------- Latest Entry: 11/19/00 -------------------- 11/14/00 10/30/00 10/24/00 10/18/00 10/11/00 10/10/00 10/3/00 9/20/00 9/13/00 9/5/00 8/22/00 8/15/00 8/1/00 7/24/00 7/17/00 7/11/00 7/5/00 6/26/00 6/19/00 6/12/00 6/5/00 5/15/00 5/10/00 5/1/00 4/25/00 4/19/00 4/10/00 4/4/00 3/29/00 3/20/00 3/14/00 3/6/00 2/29/00 2/22/00 2/15/00 2/8/00 2/2/00 2/1/00 1/26/00 1/12/00 1/4/00 12/29/99 12/20/99 11/29/99 11/17/99 11/8/99 10/27/99 10/26/99 10/18/99 10/13/99 10/7/99 9/29/99 9/22/99 9/13/99 9/7/99 9/1/99 8/31/99 8/17/99 8/10/99 -------------------- Jen's Introduction

February 1, 2000

We got the results of the second hCG test last Friday, and the numbers went down to 26, and then Saturday, AF showed up again. It's such a sorrow to lose a pregnancy, even though it was so early on. The grief that you feel can have such a lonely quality to it; most people didn't know that I was even pregnant -- I would never have known myself if I hadn't found that test. Often a partner will not be able to completely share the level of sadness -- they weren't the ones experiencing the physical aspects of pregnancy and loss, and often times it doesn't seem quite real to them.

In some ways, this one has been easier to deal with than the last one. Last time I wasn't really sure what was going on, and I wasn't positive until a couple of months later when I read Taking Charge of Your Fertility. That pregnancy was very much unplanned, and so when I realized that I had had a miscarriage, there was a feeling of guilt -- as if because I didn't want to be pregnant at that time, I had somehow caused the loss. There was also a feeling of sorrow that since I didn't immediately realize what had happened, the baby just slipped away unknown, and that seemed so very sad to me. I felt that because I hadn't been 100 percent sure I was even pregnant, that I had no right to be feeling the level of heartbreak that I was. Ironically, what I've experience this time around has made me even more certain of what happened last February, and has allowed me to finally close that door and move on.

This time around, it's a very different experience. I've been sad at the loss, and disappointed, but because I don't have all the other baggage, I feel like I'm already beginning to heal. I will always miss the babies I never got to hold, but I know that the grief does fade, and that life continues. I feel almost more centered and grounded -- I've been through one of my biggest fears not once, but twice, and I'm still here, I'm still me, and the world hasn't come to an end.

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