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January 26, 2000

I hope you'll forgive a departure from my regular entries, but I feel a need to write about this. What an emotional roller coaster the past couple of weeks have been. My period was two days late, and so I took a test last Wednesday, didn't see any results right away, popped it in a drawer to check later and then AF showed up about half an hour later, so I forgot about the test. I was feeling really down on Wednesday, just couldn't get the energy up to write a diary entry for the week. I had been so sure that that cycle had worked, that I was feeling very foolish and was questioning how my instincts could be so completely off base.

Friday rolls around and I had to get something out of the drawer. Well, the test was there, and there were two lines. I figured it was just a false positive, since it had been sitting there for a couple of days, but friends suggested that I take another one just to be sure. Well it came up positive, as did the second, third and fourth test I took after that. I chart my cycles, and my temps have remained high. I had a blood test on Monday and those results are positive, unfortunately, they are very low for where I should be. The number was 49, and from charting, I estimate ovulation and conception to have happened about 2.5-3 weeks ago-the numbers should be closer to 300-500.

What does this mean? Well, one strong possibility is that I miscarried (which would explain the bleeding) and the hormone that is tested (hCG) hasn't completely left my system. The other is that there is a pregnancy, and I'm not as far along as I thought, or that it's not developing properly. I have another test today to compare, and that will let me know if there still is a pregnancy at all.

I will be so sad if it turns out that I've lost the baby, but then I look at Jason, and I know that I already have so much. He's been such a sweetie the past few days and that has really helped my emotional stability. Last night, as I was holding him while he was asleep, it struck me once again how much I love him.

Jen

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