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January 4, 2000

Jason is a liberator of fish crackers. On New Year's Eve, we were over at a friend's house and we set out a pile of fish crackers for all the little ones to munch on. Soon enough, Jason was picking them up one by one, and popping them through the mail slot in the front door. So, in the end, there was a little pile of freed fishies on the front porch. Am I seeing the signs of a future activist?

On other notes, my husband and I have decided to try for another baby. It's kind of scary, and I wonder what it will be like for Jason. He plays so well with other kids that I think when his little brother or sister gets older he'll have a lot of fun. I just worry sometimes that I won't pay as much attention to Jason as he'll need. I know in theory how I should handle it, but I think we all know how far theory goes when you try and put it into practice -- sometimes it works great, other times it's only in retrospect that you remember what you were supposed to do.

The whole baby-making process is such a roller coaster of a ride in and of itself. Right now I'm mid-cycle and playing the waiting game, and I want this time to be it so bad I have a hard time not obsessing about it. I thought that the second time around would be easier because no matter what I still have one child. The strange thing is, it really isn't for me. What I want now is a different person than Jason, and so each month that conception doesn't happen, it's one more month delay of meeting a new child. I don't know how to explain it any better.

We're also trying to time it for a girl. I wonder how different that will be, in addition to the variation that happen between children anyway. I would be happy with another boy, but there's a part of me that's always wanted that special bond that happens between mothers and their girl children. We shall see.

One thing I am looking forward to is family bedding with the whole kit and caboodle. I love snuggling with Jason and my husband, and the idea of adding a new lumpling to the mix makes me feel all warm and fuzzy.

Well, sorry this turned into a bit of a preconception entry, but it's all so tied into my feelings about Jason, that I don't know that I could completely separate it out. I hope you don't mind too much (making the grand assumption that anyone is reading this anyway, LOL). Anyway, back to Jason.

Remember my lament about breast-feeding coming to an end a while back? Well, it didn't, and shortly after I wrote that entry, he went through a barracuda-like feeding frenzy. Just to spite me, I'm sure ;). Well, this time, I think it really is it, and I'm definitely going to encourage it. It just feels like the right time. He doesn't ask to nurse at all during the day, and only nurses once in the early morning (which I intend to continue for a while), and it's been like this for about two weeks. The amusing thing was, during the first week he stopped his day feeds, he'd come up to me, sign that he wanted to nurse, so I'd lift my shirt, he'd grab my boob, and then he'd go back to whatever he was doing. I guess he just wanted the reassurance that he still had access to me if he needed it.

Before I joined the June '98 email list, it never occurred to me that I might nurse longer than 9 months (which is when I was weaned), and here I am, still nursing a little bit at 19 months. It's been a good experience, and I've been very fortunate that I haven't had difficulties with it. I find that now that Jason's the one doing the weaning, I feel less melancholy about that part of our relationship ending. At this point it just seems like a natural progression of his growth, and I can't think of anything better than that.

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