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August 29, 2003
Hi Everyone!
For the first time in a while I am writing twice in one week, but let me warn you this entry is not about Josh and is pretty much a pity party. If you want to read about how pathetic I am, read on.....but if you are looking for an up beat informative entry with antics about Josh, I suggest you scroll back to the entry I wrote earlier in the week as my spirits were much higher then.
Today is the first day of my 11th cycle TTC #2. Yes, you guessed it, that means AF showed up today. I am getting teary eyed, just writing that last sentance, but I know I am not alone and that 11 months is nothing compared to what some other women have gone through. I know I should count my blessings, I have a wonderful healthy Son whom I love with all my heart. I have a loving supportive husband that I plan to spend the rest of my life with. Yes, I know deep down inside that I am a very lucky person and that I have much to be thankful for. By Monday I am sure I will reflect back on this entry and think I really over did it, and I debated about even writing considering my mood today. Ultimately, I decided to jot down my feelings so I would never forget one day of this journey. Sometimes when we remember things we forget how hard they were for us, because the "prize" is so worth the cost. I understand this is true for giving birth, although I myself have never experienced the pain of childbirth (I had a C-section with Josh).
Anyway, this cycle was a special one because it was my first cycle on clomid. I conceived Josh the first cycle on clomid after 11 months of TTC last time around, so I was sure that it was clomid that made it happen. All these months when AF showed, I was sad and there were a couple of months down right depressed, but I always knew that if we couldn't get PG on our own clomid would do the trick. I was so sure that I was PG that I had already calculated my hypothetical due date, figured out how much paid leave I would have accumulated by then for maternity and fantasized about how we would share the news with family and friends. I even thought of ways we would tell Josh and how we would explain it to him.
This week, the minutes have ticked by like hours as I awaited an appropriate date to "test". I have been able to think about little else (Good thing my Boss is out of town). I haven't had an alcoholic beverage or a cup of coffee or even a shower that was too hot for fear I would somehow damage this imaginary embryo. Yes, it's true I am a nut case but I was so sure it would happen for us with clomid.
These last 2 days I think I realized that I was going over board and tried to get my feet back on the ground and back into reality, but I just couldn't contain the sheer happiness of knowing that I must be PG. I never have any PG symtoms this early on, but you can be sure I poked my boobs until they were sore and felt extra nauseous after taking my prenatals on an empty stomach.
This morning, (day 28) I could wait no more and I broke down and used a PG test. to my surprise that second line never showed. I sat there and watched for the full 3 minutes and nothing. I just got in the shower and cried, how could this be? Clomid was my ace in the hole! It was my sure thing!
I have always been a believer that things happen for a reason and I am sure that is the case even now, but for the life of me I can't figure out why I have to go through this again! So many people told me that they struggled to get PG the first time, and the next time it happend the first cycle they tried. So, when I got PG without even trying last year, I was elated. That pregnancy ended in miscarriage. I handled that well and was more confident than ever that I would get PG again quickly. Well here I am 10 months later and still not PG.
Just to add insult to injury I think every woman I know or have met lately is PG! Of course, that is an exageration but let me tell you they are crawling out of the wood work. Three of my immediate neighbors are PG and one neighbor had a baby a couple of months ago. One of my co-workers announced her PG last week and one of my best friends told me that he and his wife are expecting their first child. When I got into the office this morning, I had an e-mail from a dear friend of mine who was due in a month and a half who went into labor pre-maturely but has given birth to a healthy baby girl. I am genuinly happy for all these families, I really am. It is just hard to see and hear about all these pregnancies when you are just dying to join their ranks.
So, I am going to pick myself up off the floor dust myself off and try again. Maybe cycle 11 is the one.
Sorry for being such a downer, but truth be told that is exactly how I feel right now.
Thanks for reading!
Janet
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