Heather R.'s Diary Entries Diary Navigation: Choose A Diary Entry -------------------- Latest Entry: 11/30/01 -------------------- 10/25/01 6/21/01 5/10/01 4/8/01 3/30/01 3/23/01 3/15/01 3/7/01 2/27/01 2/20/01 2/12/01 1/29/01 1/17/01 1/1/01 12/27/00 12/19/00 12/1/00 11/13/00 -------------------- Heather R.'s Introduction

May 10, 2001

It all started a few Saturdays ago when we decided to take the kids to Oaks Park – a small amusement center in town. It was a gorgeous day, and we packed a lunch and headed out to cross town about 11:00 am.

While stopped at a signal light we were rear-ended. It was pretty good jolt, but not enough to really hurt us at the time. The guy that hit us was uninsured, and refused to give us his info, so we had to get his license plate as he drove off. We looked over the damage (minimal) and decided to just go on our way. About 45 minutes later the cramping started.

At first, I didn’t panic. I figured it was nerves, adrenaline, whatever. After about an hour of cramping though, I was worried. We headed for home so that I could lie down and rest. The cramps didn’t go away even then, so I headed off to the Emergency Room.

The doctor on call was a perfect jerk – refusing to do an ultrasound and roughly checking my cervix, which he deemed “suitable”. I went home with the assurance that things were probably fine, and that it was indeed just nerves.

Tuesday came and saw me getting ill at work. I looked bad – everyone told me so – and I felt worse. I left early and came home to take a nap. When I awoke I was spotting. Hysterically I called my midwife who managed to get me calmed down and gave me a list of herbs to try and stop the cramping and bleeding. I got into the bath to try and relax my muscles, and John took the kids off to the store to get what we needed. By the time he returned I was shivering with a fever. So, again, we were off to the ER.

This time the doctor on call was much better. He ordered blood work and an ultrasound, and did a much gentler pelvic exam. Again, my cervix was closed, and he couldn’t find any blood. He thought that perhaps I had a kidney or bladder infection.

The ultrasound, too, went perfect. We saw the baby, who resembled something more akin to a jellybean than a soon to be human. The heartbeat was there and strong, and I could have kissed the ultrasound tech, save for the rather uncomfortable internal ultrasound.

My lab work came back normal, so it wasn’t an infection. We chalked it up as a fluke, maybe due to irritation of the uterus from the accident. I went home and rested for an extra day and then headed back to work.

The last week, it started again. Spotting off and on for 4 days. It was light, and I decided that this time I was not going to panic and run off to the ER just to wait for 7 hours and be told everything was fine. The bleeding eventually stopped, and I felt better, vindicated that I had remained calm and that things were indeed going along okay.

Monday night, I started bleeding again. This time it was accompanied by cramping. I took herbs, and headed straight for bed. In the morning, the bleeding was actually worse, and I decided to head to the ER again, but this time I was going to make the extra trek to what is commonly believed to be the best hospital/ER in the state.

I got there, was immediately given a room and an IV, which went along way in convincing me that they must have felt something was wrong. A few minutes later I met my ER doctor – a young woman who was kind, gentle and funny. She and I talked about our husbands, who both majored in Philosophy, how much we both disliked pelvic exams, and about our favorite food, pizza. A pelvic exam revealed that my cervix was closed shut and looked perfect, but that there was some blood. The Dr. ordered an ultrasound and an HCG count. She patted my leg as she left, and said she’d check in soon.

A few minutes later a nurses aide came to wheel me to ultrasound, two floors up. I got right in, and the sonographer fired up the machine. This was the moment of truth; would everything be okay? The damn screen wasn’t facing me on purpose, I’m sure. Warm gel hit my belly, and then the tech put the wand against my skin. She frowned. Then she pushed really, really hard. Then she frowned again. A lump caught in my throat. Why the hell was she frowning? Why can’t I see the screen? The tech kept pushing on my stomach and frowning more, and I sat there numb.

Finally, I couldn’t take it anymore, and I demanded to know why she was grimacing and not saying anything. “Oh,” she replied, “your baby is moving around so much I can’t get a good measure of it’s heart rate.” Then she turned the screen towards me. “See?” she said. The baby, oblivious to the outside world, was doing flips and cartwheels, and basically acting as though my uterus was a circus tent. I studied the little jellybean for a few seconds and sat back, trying to keep from crying. What I was sure to be the ending of all of this had suddenly changed, for the better. Relief seemed to well up in me and flood over my body, and I felt my fingers and toes tingle. The baby’s okay, the baby’s okay, the baby’s okay. They could have said anything else, stuck a thousand needles in me, and I would have smiled. The baby’s okay.

The radiologist did come in and say that she saw some tissue at the bottom of my uterus, towards the opening of my cervix. This could be extra tissue, she indicated, that needed to be sloughed off. Or, it could be “Vanishing Twin Syndrome”. She went on to explain that sometimes two eggs are fertilized, but one never develops correctly, and stops growing very early on. Then this tissue has to either be absorbed or sloughed off. This would explain why I had horrible, wretched morning sickness this time (which was why I haven’t written in over a month). The radiologist really could not offer any exact reason why, but did say the baby looked perfect.

I was wheeled back down to my room, the IV removed, and my discharge papers handed over. My Dr. came back, and she looked genuinely happy to see that everything was okay. Along with her came an older male Dr. Apparently, he had heard that I was seeing a midwife, and felt the need to voice his opinion. He berated me for my choice, asked me what was wrong with OB/GYNs, and said, “this is a high risk pregnancy – you need to see a high risk OB/GYN.” I pointed out that on my discharge papers it said that approximately 20% of women experience bleeding during pregnancy, and half carry to term with no problem. I asked him if he really thought 20% of pregnancies were high risk. His answer was simply yes, followed by another lecture on hospitals vs. birth centers. I let him have his say, and then left. It was important to him I suppose.

At the same time, I question his logic. Again and again I was told that if I was miscarrying, then there was nothing that could be done to prevent it. So, logically my mind asks the question, “What difference would a high risk doctor do over a midwife?” Since all of my lab work checked out, hormone levels were good, and my cervix is perfect, why then would a high risk doctor help? If I am going to lose the baby, then there is nothing any human can do to stop it, regardless of how many degrees they have tacked on behind their name.

I have to say that I am worried about the bleeding. It’s been three days since my ER visit, and the bleeding is just now stopping. It isn’t heavy by any means, but I’ve never bled in any pregnancy before. I’ve contemplated going to a high risk doctor, but I’m not sure I will. My midwife and I have talked it over, and I am confident that she will let me know when and if she feels I need that kind of care. What I don’t want to do is go to a high risk doctor, and then be made to feel that I can’t trust my body. One thing leads to another, and before you know it, I’ll be having a full-fledged hospital birth with every intervention known to man.

So, it’s Thursday. I’m hoping to go back to work tomorrow. John’s been super – he won’t let me do anything around the house, and he insists that I am to do nothing this entire pregnancy. At the same time, he’s been great about convincing me that the baby is going to be just fine.

If anyone else has experienced bleeding with pregnancy, and then everything turned out okay, I’d love to hear from you. It’s supposedly not that rare, and I think I need to hear from people who have had a good outcome.

-heather