Heather R.'s Diary Entries Diary Navigation: Choose A Diary Entry -------------------- Latest Entry: 11/30/01 -------------------- 10/25/01 6/21/01 5/10/01 4/8/01 3/30/01 3/23/01 3/15/01 3/7/01 2/27/01 2/20/01 2/12/01 1/29/01 1/17/01 1/1/01 12/27/00 12/19/00 12/1/00 11/13/00 -------------------- Heather R.'s Introduction

February 20, 2001

The worst feeling in the world is knowing that there is something wrong with your child.

This is the feeling that I have had to confront this past week. I’ve neglected to mention it before because actually putting it down in print would give it a legitimacy that I did not want to grant. I didn’t want to acknowledge that Ivan may be less than perfect. As time passes, though, I am forced to admit that there is very likely a problem with our sweet little boy.

Ivan can barely talk at 16 months of age. He says a few words/sounds; “da-da” is one of his favorites, and once in awhile I can garner a “ma-ma” from him. A few times he has said what I think is “ball”.

Chloe started talking early – at 9 months to be exact – and I always just reminded myself that most kids don’t do that. It was easier to go on believing that Ivan was developing slowly in this area. It seemed to fit our kids as well – Chloe HAD to talk early on; she didn’t walk until 15 months and so she needed to be able to tell us what she wanted. Conversely, Ivan started walking at 10 months, climbing at 11 months. I told myself that he traded one for the other, and would catch-up in the language department eventually. That hasn’t happened. If that is all that it was, then I’d be more willing to yet again push my worries into the back of my mind.

But there are other strange symptoms – he shakes his head repeatedly at certain noises, doesn’t respond to others, and then over responds to yet different noises. He loves music – he dances and bounces along with just about any tune, and he loves to play on his keyboard or piano. Yet other noises, banging noises for example, or whispers, seem to get no response from him at all.

And then there are the other things. Symptoms and behaviors that I can’t classify, but that worry me all the same.

He puts his hand on the TV, like he wants to feel the images. He puts his hands on the vacuum when it’s on. He hates to be read to. When he’s looking or holding something, he absolutely does not want anyone else to touch it. He refuses to eat, sometimes for several days, only nursing and taking a few ounces of cow’s milk when I’m at work. His sleep patterns are off, and during the last few weeks there have been times when he is up for two or three hours in the middle of the night . He doesn’t smile as much as he used to.

Perhaps the worst thing is that I can’t shake the deep-down feeling that something is just wrong. It’s been nagging at me for months. Sometimes it slips away, when I see him interact with Chloe or John. I’ve tried to push it away. I can’t anymore.

I’m heartbroken at the thought of something being wrong with Ivan. How will we cope? What if there is something really, really wrong with him and he can’t live a full life? What if, what if, what if it’s my fault?

Ivan goes to the doctor next Monday, the 26th. Hopefully I’ll have some better answers or ideas. I’m really hoping that our pediatrician will just laugh all of this away and jokingly call us “overprotective”.

If anyone out there has ever experienced anything like this, please, please leave me a message.

Heather R.