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February 23, 2001
I have to tell you all something, I've been thinking about not writing this diary anymore. I've just been thinking about it and there are things that make me want to keep writing and then there are things that make me think that I should stop. The main reason for stopping is really time. It's just so hard to find free time anymore. When Tyler's napping I end up finding a zillion things to do around the house and you can forget writing my entries while he's awake. Tyler is all over the place and leaving him in the great room while I write an entry just isn't a good idea. I could just picture it, the great room would look like a bomb had just gone off and there would sit my smiley little Bear in the midst of it. So, I've been debating it and as of now I am going to continue writing. At least for the next few weeks and I'll see how it goes. Right now I'm only getting entries in every other week or so, but I guess that's better than nothing. The big reason that I don't want to stop is because I feel like this diary has become a big part of me. I've been writing this diary for almost a year now and I just can't imagine not keeping it up. I think I would feel lost or something! So, we'll see how it goes the next few weeks and hopefully I'll make up my mind.
Well, I have some big news to share with you all. Drum roll please... Tyler is WALKING!!! I couldn't believe it! He loves walking back and forth between Steve and I, although he's still a little too wobbly to venture off to things on his own. But, he IS doing it and I was ECSTATIC when he took those big steps. We were just standing there, well Tyler was standing, and he decided that he wanted to walk to me, and so he did! I don't know why, but I was totally shocked. I guess I had felt lately like he was never going to walk on his own. I mean I knew that he eventually would, but I felt like it was taking FOREVER to happen. And really I guess he is a late walker, but when you look at how old Steve and I were when we first walked on our own it makes sense. MY mom told me that I was about 14 months when I took my first steps and my MIL said that Steve was about 15 months, so I guess that's why. Tyler is right on target if you look at it that way. Anyway you look at it though, I am so unbelievably proud, like NO OTHER child has accomplished this task the way my son did. You know I only say that because he's MY son, I'm sure all parents feel the same way!
Tyler was sick AGAIN this past week. Let's make that number FOUR since last September. Same scenario with the fever and all, but there was no rash this time. I took him to the doctor while he had the fever and everything was FINE. Ears were fine, stomach was fine, throat was fine -- and that's a GOOD thing, I just want to know why my baby gets sick like that. When I was talking to the doctor I was telling her that I felt like it was my fault. I kept asking myself, "Am I not feeding him the right foods to keep him healthy" or "Do I not watch what he's around enough to keep him away from germs and other gross stuff?" Really, I know that germs are everywhere and I can't keep him from them, but I'm just so tired of him getting these fevers that I feel like there's something I'm missing. I think the real big thing that bothers me is that I feel like I could have prevented it by breastfeeding him longer if I could have. I STILL have this guilt about not being able to continue breastfeeding him and I just have this thought in the back of my mind that if I had breastfed him longer he wouldn't be getting sick. I know I shouldn't feel this way, because really this past three fevers that he has had have been the only real illnesses that he has had since he was born. So, I guess I'm doing something right?
I think that the horrible breastfeeding experience that Tyler and I had has haunted me since it happened. It's something that I still wish had turned out right and something that I STILL feel guilty for. It doesn't consume me or anything, it's just when I think about that time I feel absolutely horribly and like there is one little empty spot because he and I missed out on that. But, I think that I've compensated the loss of the bond that comes with nursing with a lot of love and attention to my baby. I know it's not my fault that he's gotten these fevers, I just want my baby to have EVERYTHING he needs to be protected. Steve and I joke about it and say that we could protect him from EVERYTHING if he lived in a bubble! He could be the boy in a bubble!!! That's life though, and I know that there will be plenty of sniffles, stomach aches, and bumps and bruises as time goes on. It's just a tough job, you know?
The good thing about Tyler's appointment with the doc is that he was weighed and came in at 21 pounds and I think he's 29 inches long. He's a short one, that's for sure. I think he's taking after his daddy!
One more thing that I have to share: I AM SICK OF WINTER ALREADY!!!! Ok, I feel better, had to get that off my chest. I am LONGING for the days of Spring when Tyler and I can actually leave the house without layers upon layers of clothing. I can't wait to let Tyler run free in the backyard and take trips to the park again. Oh, I WANT IT, I WANT IT, I WANT IT!! Spring, you better come fast before cabin fever gets the best of Tyler and I both! My poor bear, he stands at the window and bangs on it while saying, "AYEYA", which I think is Tyler for "outside". That's my interpretation at least.
So, that's it for this week. I hope you all have a wonderful weekend! Give hugs to all your little ones.
Erin
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