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November 15, 2001
Thursday November 15th, 2001.
Pixie is two years old on the 25th November!
Wow.
Wow, wow, wow, wow…WOW!
As it edges closer to Pixie's birth-day, I find myself in a rather reflective mood. I have been pondering life-with-Pixie, and how transformative the last two years has been. It's really hard to articulate all I feel about parenthood, but if I remember back to life 'before-Pixie' it seems like I had a big empty space in my heart, right in the middle, and I was aching with loneliness, without even realising it. Pixie fills my heart with everything that she is, and I can't believe that I questioned and re-questioned parenthood, and whether I was courageous enough to jump off the cliff and dive into 'the pit' (as parenthood often seemed, pre-Pixie).
I cannot begin to express how thankful I am that I jumped. It was scary, and at times I seriously doubted my aptitude for free-falling, but somewhere along the way I was caught by a cloud and transported to some of the most divine moments of my life. Gone is my screaming, discontent, I-never-want-to-sleep baby…now I share my days with a funny, inquisitive, talkative, imaginative, affectionate, relatively easy-going toddler with the most DIVINE tangle of golden brown ringlets!
We have so much to celebrate. This is such a beautiful age. Jay and I were whispering in bed last night, (Pixie was sound asleep inbetween us), that we are truly SAVOURING our life with Pixie at the moment. Life with the two-year-old Pixie really is glorious! She sleeps through the night, she's weaned, she's robust and healthy, and she's so much fun, it really is a joy to wander through the world with her, watching her explore. It feels like we've got our life and energy back, and now we're sharing it with a bright, vivacious two-year-old. Life is good.
Even though I would have liked Pixie to have a sibling close in age, both Jay and I are really glad we've held off. We both feel like it's really 'luxurious' to only have the one child, and now she's pretty much sorted, it feels like we've got all the good fun bits of parenthood without the frazzled exhaustion. I'm getting my body back in shape (I've lost 6 kgs since Feb), we've resuscitated our social life, we have holiday and travel plans, and we feel organised, energised, and in-control again. It feels really, REALLY good. I don't think either of us are prepared to sacrifice this sense of 'luxury' any time soon. It looks like Pixie might be an only child for a little bit longer yet.
I think both Jay and I are well aware that these early days of family-life are probably high on the list of the most beautifully poignant days of our life. After two years with Pixie I KNOW how quickly she grows and changes, and I realise that these toddler days will pass so quickly. I want to savour them all.
I know I'll look back on these days as some of the happiest of my life, and so I try to take my time, slow down the interminable ticking of the clock, throw away the constant list of things 'to do'. I am trying not to let stress and worry and fear, or impatience and annoyance and frustration, cloud these special days. They are too fleeting. Too precious. I find that the moments when I resent motherhood the most, are the times when I feel thwarted because I have so many things I feel I 'have to do' and Pixie is stopping me from getting them done. But really, I should kiss her when she thwarts my 'to do' list. It truly is liberating to throw away the lists, forget about the clock, stop worrying about the vegetables I need to buy for tonight's dinner, and to allow Pixie's two-year-old whims to dictate the tone of the day. She is offering me freedom, teaching me to be carefree, it's a wonderful gift, and for that I treasure these meandering toddler days. I want to embrace them with all that I am, erase all my plans and worries and responsibilities, and try to live in the moment. Little children do this so well. They can teach us so much if we stop resisting and allow them to lead the way.
It becomes more and more apparent to me that Pixie is a gift. She is passing through my life, but she won't stay with me forever. She is growing, changing, and one day she won't need me any more. She'll move out of my house, out of my day-to-day life, and she'll build her own life. If I'm lucky I'll be able to watch her new life from the sidelines, but she won't fill my life like she does now. This awareness, of the fleetingness of our children, makes me savour Pixie's joy and beauty and wonder, like a thirsty man savours a cool cup of water. I don't possess her. She is not mine to keep. She is a passing wonder, a breathe of the most divine air passing into my lungs. I breathe her in, she teaches me about the essence of life.
Right now I am making some of the most precious memories of my life. I want to do it well. I don't want to miss a moment.
I remind myself of this everytime I find myself yelling at Pixie because she's driving me crazy. I remind myself of this everytime I hear my next-door neighbour screaming at her kids because they're driving her crazy. I remind myself of all this as it nears my Pixie's birth-day. I truly have SO MUCH to celebrate, and I don't want to forget these things in the general hoopla and hype of birthday parties and presents. Pixie's birth-day is forever etched in my heart as one of the most celebratory days of the year…25th of November, the day I celebrate Pixie's divine presence in my life, the day I rejoice over all she has taught me, and everything she will teach me in the years to come, and all the love and joy she has given and awakened.
Children bring so much when they enter our lives. More than I could ever hope to articulate with mere words.
All the best,
Eloise.
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