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October 17, 2003
Girls weekend
To celebrate all of us turning thirty this year, I met up with my two closest friends from college in Montreal over Columbus Day weekend. To save money, I drove myself both ways, which ended up being over 12 hours of driving. I normally HATE long road trips, especially by myself, but it really was gorgeous driving through New Hampshire and Vermont and I had the Grapes of Wrath on audio to listen to, so it wasn’t as bad as it could have been.
We all had a very nice visit in Montreal. Thinking we had the sweet exchange rate on our side, we had booked ourselves into the swanky Hotel Omni Mont Royal. Well, of course the dollar starts to fall just before I leave, and we never counted on all the taxes so we didn’t end up with as Red Hot of a bargain as I would have liked, but we did have a very nice hotel!! The weather was gorgeous—very mild and sunny (I actually packed way too warmly) and we spent a lot of time wandering around the city and exploring Old Montreal and Mont Royal. On Sunday we treated ourselves to three hours of spa treatments—I got a seaweed wrap, a massage, and pressotherapy (air boots that are supposed to stimulate the circulation in your legs) as part of a package. It was very luxurious and I think we all honored ourselves, our birthdays, and our friendship quite well!
One thing that surprised me, actually, is that we were in bed by 10 each night. I was exhausted and happy about it, but I had imagined the weekend with more drinking (don’t get me wrong, we knocked back a few, but certainly not as many as we have in the past) and staying out late. I am the only one with a baby, who is accustomed to early bedtime and early risings, but I guess we are all getting old. In any case, we had a great weekend and I wish I could see them more.
Feeling Melancholy
It will probably seem weird to write this right after talking about my luxurious get away but I have been feeling very melancholy and overwhelmed lately. I have been so excited to start school for so long yet now that I am here I am constantly stressing about it—the work, the way the program is organized, the horrible fear that, once all of this is done with I will not be happy as a Nurse Practitioner or will not be a good one. And this leads my obsessive mind to worry that I will never find a vocation that makes me happy and will spend my life in search of something that is not out there. I know, very melodramatic, I wish I could shut myself off, but I can’t.
I have never had trouble sleeping in the past but lately these anxieties have been keeping me up for large portions of the night and I often become physically ill during this time as well. To say it is troubling would be a huge understatement. I have gotten myself into a terrible pattern where, as night time approaches, I start to worry if I will be able to sleep well or, if I wake up during the night, I am instantly terrified that I will not be able to go back to sleep. I’m sure part of this problem is a self-fulfilling prophesy but I don’t know how to break the cycle. I have purchased some sleeping medication but am afraid that if I take it I could just be masking the problem, not solving it. Also, I often don’t KNOW I am having real trouble falling asleep until it is already 1 AM or so, and I am afraid if I take the meds at that time I wouldn’t be able to get up in the morning. So I have held off so far, but may try it in the future. My friends have recommended anxiety medication but that just seems so… extreme… Please don’t think I’m too much of a kook. What I would really love to hear/know is that this has happened to others and will pass or is just normal and I’m not losing it too majorly.
Yet, at the same time, I am able to acknowledge to myself that I am going through a big lifestyle change and it is normal to feel overwhelmed in times like these. I also KNOW I am an intelligent person that can handle the school load as long as I commit myself and stay focused. Finally, I am very good at counting my blessings—I have so many things to be grateful for in this world and I try to remember this as often as I can, including reciting them to myself at night, in what is as close to praying as I get. Maybe it is the seasons changing—I hate the loss of sunlight that comes with the colder months—but I just can’t seem to shake a constant feeling of sadness and persistant anxiety these days, and I wish it wasn’t like this.
I will say, though, that in the middle of all of this Ella is my ray of shining light. She is something that I am nothing but proud of and so thrilled—honored and blessed—that she is in my life. I know that I am very very lucky to be her mom and to have one thing that brings me nothing but joy. Even when things aren’t going swimmingly with her I always ALWAYS feel so blessed that she is in my life. But lately we have just been having some great times—she is getting so smart and clever and funny and her fussy times are so much less then they have been at other phases of her development. I just can’t stop being in awe of her, and sometimes I worry about that too. I know it is normal to be overwhelmed with love for your child, but is it can’t be healthy to cling to her with the desperate conviction that she is the best thing you have ever or will ever do? How dysfunctional does THAT sound?!?!
Jeez, I guess after all this talk about ME I should at least do a little on the star of the show, Miss Ella Rose. Let’s see….
One very cute thing she has been doing lately is making up names for every one. To Ella, my formal name is Mama-da-tanta. Don’t ask me where she got it, I have no idea, but she uses it all the time and I think it is just precious. It reminds me of The Lion King Song “Hakunamatata” (sure I butchered the spelling on that one) but she has never seen that movie, so she couldn’t have gotten it from there (unless they play the soundtrack at day care). BTW, Jamie is Daddy-da-waddy. Still adorable, but personally I like my name better—more original. She also knows both of our first names and will occasionally call us by them—boy does THAT sound weird.
This new naming thing goes on with a general trend of joking with us all the time. She comes up with the silliest things and I can tell she knows she is being very funny and very cute. She will mix up different silly colors-- “I want purple milk” or “I want to go under the yellow tunnel”—or places “Where’s daddy? In the baby’s crib!” or labels—“What’s this song called? The mommy song!” or other silly little juxtapositions like that. Often I’m not sure I heard her right the first time so I will ask again and she very deliberately repeats her joke so there is no mistaking. I usually go along with the joke and they will progress into long, convoluted conversations that are so much fun.
The other day I went to a parent conference with the Rainbow Room teachers at Ella’s day care. While it was very interesting to hear them talk about the room and all the different activities they had, for the most part it was pretty late, since Ella (and all the kids in there) have been in the room since early Sept. But I still enjoyed it, esp. learning the different milestones that they look for when doing evaluations etc. for the child. Ella is the youngest kid in her class room so I don’t expect her to know all this stuff but it was a fun little glimpse into the future, as well as some ideas of things to try with Ella (safety scissors, for instance) that have just never come up until this point. We also got her school pictures back, which were taken a few weeks ago. Well, of course, Ella looks just precious and I well up just thinking that this is the first of many school pictures that will culminate with a high school graduation. It seems so inconceivable to me now but all I ever hear is how fast things progress and I certainly know these first two years have flown by.
As always, thanks for reading.
Bonnie
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