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July 29, 2004
Ella is usually a very sweet intelligent kind, happy kid but lately I swear, it seems as though she just wants to pick a fight with us and it is really really frustrating. I guess it’s a question of independence, or testing boundries, but these battles always end with Ella crying and Jamie or I seething and I just wonder why? Why intentionally start something that you KNOW will end in no good?
An example of a time she seems to be ‘picking fights’ is around being polite. I swear, I say please to Ella for just about everything she does “Ella, come here please” “Pick out some shoes please” “Hand me your napkin, please” All day long. And she knows—she KNOWS—what it’s all about and is perfectly capable of being polite when she chooses. But sometimes she CHOOSES not to be, and the results are not pretty. Example:
Me: Ella, would you like some toast?
Ella: Yeah.
Me: Can you ask a little more politely, please?
Ella: (Stony silence)
Me: Ella, I know you know how to be nicer then that when you ask for something.
Ella: (pretends to be fiddling with a toy)
Me: Ella, if you can’t ask nicer, then I don’t want to give you this toast.
Ella: (Lips pursed firmly together)
Me: (Long sigh) Fine, maybe later (puts the toast away)
Ella: NOOOOOOOOO! I WANT TOAST!!! I WANT TOAST PLEASE!!!!
Me: I’m sorry sweetie, but you couldn’t ask nicely so there is no toast right now. Please remember to ask politely in the future. We are polite with each other in this family.
Ella: (Sobbing, surely the neighbors must think I’m a monster) I WANT TOAST PLEASE… I WANT TOAST PLEASE…. I WANT TOAST PLEASE…. WAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Lately, almost every night bedtime is a disaster. No matter how happy she has been up to bedtime, her entire demeanor and attitude change as soon as we start into the bedtime routine. She is both resistant to every step of it, yet at the same time insisting she wants to do it all herself. For instance, she insists on picking out her pajamas but then, rather then pick them, will sort through every single item in her PJ drawer, (which includes socks, undies, tights, bathing suits and other misc. scraps). If (when) we get frustrated/tired of waiting and choose two for her to pick from she refuses to choose.
Jamie or I: Ella, this is taking too long. Here are two pairs of pajamas, pick one of these.
Ella: NOOOOOOOOO (with a screech thrown in for good measure).
J or I: I am going to give you to the count of three, then I will pick one for you… 1..2….3
Ella: (continues with the NOOOOOO/screech)
J or I: Okay, I pick this nightgown… do you want to put it on yourself or you want me to put it on for you.
Ella: (pouting) No!
J or I: Okay, I will put it on for you.
Ella: No, no no, me! I want to! I want to!
J or I: Well, I wish you had said so when I asked you. Go ahead (hand her nightgown)
Ella: No!
This pattern goes on through all of the routine, and we often leave her crying in bed. It’s a horrible way to end the night and Jamie and I both hate it yet cannot figure out what to do about it. When I try to just stop the routine and cuddle and talk with her she just fights harder. Obviously I can’t avoid bedtime, but I have been tinkering with moving the time forward or back a little bit, with not much success. I have also offered her some time to sit in bed and look at books before going to sleep, which she likes, but it hasn’t cure this horrible bed time fit.
Ug. It’s so frustrating. I’ve read all the child rearing books, about how important it is to set clear limits and to be consistent and to not give in to fits and to not repeat yourself over and over again and I really feel like I do fairly well in sticking by these points but the way the books make it seem, if you DO follow these guidelines you will be rewarded with a happy, mindful child who understands that yes means yes and no means no and doesn’t bother throwing fits since they won’t be rewarded but the bottom line, I am discovering, is that this just isn’t always the case. At least with my little pumpkin, sometimes it really just seems as though she wants to fight, and will find a way no matter what you do, what you say, and whatever stinkin’ parenting books you have read along the way.
Better news
Some better news is Ella’s potty training continues to go well. We recently eliminated the diaper during nap time and there have been no accidents. I didn’t think there would be as whenever she slept in the car she never had one. She often did get wet, however, while wearing one during nap times. I suspected however (correctly, as it turns out, as evidenced by her recent success) that it wasn’t her peeing while she slept but just being lazy, or decadent, and not bothering to use the potty because she knew she didn’t have to. She would resist losing the diaper after nap time and plainly tell us anytime she peed in it. The little weirdo just didn’t mind walking about it a heavy, laden, diaper. I think it was like being on vacation for her. I am going to keep the night time one for a while though. Right now she it is VERY full when I take it off in the morning. I do suspect, as with napping, that a lot of this is just her consciously lying there in bed doing her thing but I am fine with taking it slow so I’m thinking August or September we will give it a go, possibly with some pull ups as a transition….
Well, I originally was going to wait for something a little more positive/exciting before posting this entry but I am leaving for a girl’s weekend in NYC tomorrow and then will be back, finish my final week of this class, then be off on our family vacation so won’t be around much. Plus I also was just very relieved to stop by the “Born in Sept ’01” board, which is usually pretty dead these days (just not as many milestones as the first years, I guess) and stumbled upon a whole bunch of moms complaining that their children were behaving very similarly to Ella. What a relief, maybe she’s not truly a demon spawn (kidding, folks… KIDDING). Seriously, though, it is nice to know you aren’t alone or doing something very very wrong when your child starts acting in a way (a negative way, that is) that is just baffling. So I guess things are okay after all.
As always, thanks for reading.
Bonnie
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