Allisun's Diary Entries Diary Navigation: Choose A Diary Entry -------------------- Latest Entry: 1/4/03 -------------------- 12/23/02 11/6/02 10/29/02 10/18/02 10/7/02 9/25/02 8/30/02 8/27/02 8/20/02 8/4/02 3/12/02 -------------------- Allisun's Introduction

August 30, 2002

Honest to gawd, this time I REALLY don't know where to start, it's impossible that I could cram so much into one little month. I think I'll make this entry only about the dilemma of having a third child so you don't have to waste your time reading if it's a subject that has you yawning. By the end of this, out of sheer frustration, I'm sure I'm going to lose a bunch of you readers, and I know I'm going to get an earful for being an idiot so I might as well get on with it, here's to kicking it off with the poll;

Dr. Kugelmass, with three kids, I think the youngest is five, was the first to weigh in. She said there's no question there's a big difference between two and three and frankly her third was so easy, she didn't know what she would have done otherwise. She said it really is tough but she can't imagine life without all of them in it. Theresa said the same thing. With three boys 9-19, her third is her baby. She also said there's no question there's a big difference between two and three, that you have to let go of a lot of things, one of the biggest being control. She reminded me that finances have to be considered, that babies grow up into big kids and big kids are really expensive, and the only way to do it and stay sane is if I have support. Then she reminded me that I have to do what's right for us, to follow my heart, and that she already knows I know what I want to do. Do I?

Amanda, with two little boys and a third on the way stepped in with her usual sincerity, warmth and honesty. She said she thinks " more with my heart than with my head a great deal of the time. That being said.....if in your heart you feel the desire for another child I don't see how you can ignore it. I know I couldn't. My instinct to reproduce is so strong I should be on one of those Animal Planet specials. I adore babies and children and they are the most important thing to me in life. I would give up anything, career, material comforts, the nicer car, house, etc... just to have a bunch of them. However, that is ME. I have plenty of friends who love their careers and would rather give the moon and the stars to their one or two children than to have more and have to sacrifice. That's ok too. You need to decide which category you fit into..."

Tonya and Dawn, each with two kids of their own said to go for it. For the record, I, with two kids of my own too, am always quick to tell everyone else to go for it. Both of them reminded me you can make yourself nuts debating spacing. I should've mentioned it is in fact too late, I'm already nuts.

A few moms, including Kim, said they considered three but do not think it'll happen to them, it's hard handling two as it is. Shely, with a girl and a boy said she will not have a third. She had a good point when she said life is built for families of four. Vacation packages, attractions, even tables at restaurants are prepared for four. Would there always be an odd man out?

Annabelle asked me why I would tempt fate. With a beautiful boy and a girl, wouldn't I be playing Russian roulette? Josie is working through the same dilemma. They say one boy and one girl is the million dollar family, and what if your life is finally getting comfortable?

Tammy mentioned something another diary writer wrote...that she knew there were other children meant to be part of her family. I can't help but feel that. I feel like we're not complete yet. Amy was on the fence about having a third till she found out the third is on the way. Congratulations Amy! She basically said if it's the right thing it'll happen, sure she's a little nervous but she'll count her blessings and enjoy her family. I think Amy has a really healthy attitude.

Denise, with children exactly 24 months apart, suggested maybe waiting another year because it is so challenging. I have to say I've thought about that a lot and tried to convince myself that the baby stage will always be challenging, but I believe what she's saying is true. Although character has to factor in there, my fear in waiting would be in things not going as planned.

Tricia was one of many swing votes when she talked about life with her third baby, about how much Sarah has brought to their lives, how grateful they are to have her here to love so much. She figured if I was giving it so much thought, I would regret not going for it. The message I got from the Helen with all those kids, is that they're an incredible amount of work and the more you have the more work and worries you have. Then she reminded me of how they capture your heart forever. In the end, the work doesn't matter.

I know Danielle, and I know she thinks I'm crazy to even consider a third, but she also reminded me that parents don't say their lives would have been better off without the third, every child brings something special, that I should let nature run the show.

Bec brought me down to earth on the health issues, reminded me that it wasn't an easy haul, that I needed to speak with Dr. Bray. Kellie was in the same scene as me, with two children and both pregnancies had pregnancy induced hypertension. It seems to me she's wrestling with the same dilemma and it was so easy for ME to tell HER to go for it. Now would I heed my own advice?

I have friends who without question will not have a third child. I feel like our family would not be complete without another. Patty and Alicia both said the one thing I've considered most. If I remain content with the two beautiful children I have, would ten years from now I feel regret not going for a third? You have to know by now what avenue I'm heading down.

It was Kaillan who ultimately brought us to a decision. It was one night when Remo and I were building wooden castles with the kids. Actually, Remo, Brandan and I were building the castles, Kaillan was on a rampage of destruction. Brandan was chattering away about his day and I was trying to distract Kaillan with blocks of her own when she dropped it all and started showing us her tricks. She cuddle cuddled with all of us, threw in a dance and giggled her head off. Brandan was hugging her, she was gazing at him in awe and Remo and I looked at each other and said "how could we not?" They went to bed and we sort of wheeled and dealed through what each of us saw as hurdles and ultimately came to a decision: if we were going to go for it, we'd have to get on with it right away or it would be better to wait another year. We just had to wait to see what Dr. Bray had to say.

And what a visit it was with him, I walked out of there doing one really stupid thing. I can't be the only one who thinks about clothing functionality at these visits. In the summer, I wear a lot of sleeveless dresses to work. They're comfortable, they look professional and all I do is throw on a blazer or a sweater and it's easy. It's just not so practical when you have to strip half naked for your gyno appointment. I decided to wear this wrap around jean dress I have from the Gap, I could hike it up and it wouldn't wrinkle. All that detail just to bring you to one point; I have to safety pin the top wrap of the dress or it flashes my practically nonexistant curves to the world. So we were doing the lovely part of the test and Dr.Bray looked at the dress that was wrapped tight and asked if I was doing a breast exam. It didn't even enter my mind he would do that. I said (and I'm blushing now) "Oh no, they're fine". He asked how I knew. All I could think of was the safety pin and my chest which was way down underneath all that lift and padding, I wanted to die. I said I'd checked it all myself and everything was ok. He said he'd have to make a note in my file that the patient declined the test. I said in the most positive bubbly voice you could ever imagine, that that was fine. I had just done a foolish thing. On one hand I'm filled with regret because I had been after the lady I work with, who is now fighting for her life against ovarian cancer, to go to see a doctor for years, and on the other, I'm there with the doctor, refusing an exam. There's no question, my chest is small enough a lump would be noticeable, and I really do do my self exams, but that is no substitution. Next time I'll haul my bosom from under whatever cover it's hiding under. I hate being shy and worse, I hate seeming difficult. He must find me so strange. Keep in mind, this was the man who while delivering Kaillan, looked up and said "Allisun. What did you do to yourself?" The morning Kaillan was born I was trying to kill time so I put on fake sun tan cream and I was so careful not to make streaks. They broke my water and it must have some sort of paint remover in it because it ran down my legs and left me looking like a zebra.


I asked Dr. Bray if I could have another baby. He asked if Remo wanted another baby. Had they had some sort of anti-three conversation? I told him that we had agreed to have another one but we were a little nervous about the risk factor. He said the only risks I had were in having pregnancy induced hypertension, which would be treated and premature delivery, for which precautions could be taken. Yes, I could have another. I asked if it was bad to be pregnant so soon since I'd had one baby after another for four years. He said that wasn't a factor at all. He nearly squished my insides out while he was pushing on my uterus and he said he'd like to send me for a special x-ray of the uterus to see for once and for all what was up with it.

I hauled my skinny butt out of there (I say skinny because the scale clocked me in at 124, I'm fairly tall so I figure it's a decent weight for me to be approaching thirty) and called for an x-ray appointment. There's nothing more frustrating than trying to get through to a number and you're told to punch fourteen million buttons and they're sending you on a wild goose chase, and you don't have a pen and finally a real person tells you to call another number. Then a real person at the new number says no, you have to call the first person back. I finally got through to someone who said it's too bad I didn't call earlier, there was a cancellation to the only appointment available for a month. I feel bad because the last woman was innocent and landed an earful.

A couple hours went by and my brain was thinking at a furious pace. I sat at my computer (a dangerous combination) and put together the fastest fax ever to Dr. Bray. Without discussing it with anyone I sprinted to the fax machine, threw it in and dialed the number. As the paper was almost done sliding through the machine I thought what the hell am I doing? This is a well respected doctor with a million real patients and one royal pain in the ars who fights him on every issue. Out came the paper confirming my fax was received. My shoulders drooped. Below is the official transcript, I managed to throw in my two words of the week; *^&%#@) and meek. If I wasn't meek before I REALLY am now. Trust me on this, if I hadn't built up the whole broohaha poll business, I wouldn't be publishing this right now.


""

I'm whipping out a fast fax because I know someone from there will be calling in a couple days to say I DON'T in fact have cervical cancer (believe it or not it is the one disease I have yet to diagnose myself with), and it would be simpler on all accounts to have you know in advance my preoccupation. As if I didn't already make that clear.



Dearest Dr. Bray,

My golden window of opportunity was 15 minutes this morning. But in all the excitement of seeing you and Julie and trying to remember all the million things I had to ask, I got a little sidetracked. If you think it's not easy dealing with me, you should consider how difficult it is to BE me.

I bring you cake, you ship me off for a vaginal ultrasound. If you ask me, there's a definite imbalance here and it's going to be hard to stay your friend with you and your hardline stances. I need to clarify one thing...

For me professionally and personally, the best time for me to have a baby would be NOW, in this cycle or next. I called to get an ultrasound appointment and after nearly losing my mind with the *&(%#@^ telephone systems from hell (that's the Irish temper I come by naturally), learned that the x-ray place you gave me a requisition for, does not do vaginal ultrasounds. They send everybody to Procrea. Problem is everybody at Procrea doesn't know that...

If before I did that test, I was to take initiative THIS cycle, one shot deal and all systems were a go, would you kill me?

If all systems didn't go, I'd have my ultrasounds done in the fall and try again next summer.

In an appeal to your compassionate side; this will be my father's first Christmas with me here in ten years. Imagine how much better the memories would be if I was over throwing up by then?

I guess it wouldn't be an appropriate time to mention that when I asked if I could go for another, NO would have made things simpler. You have my word in writing, I will be a model patient from here on in.

You could've been a dentist.

I wait meekly,

Allisun

""

At 8:00 the next morning my phone rang at the office and it said Dr. John Bray on the display. I took a big gulp and spoke as if this was an everyday occurrence. He mentioned the test is not in fact a vaginal ultrasound, it's some other exam and yes, he does feel I should do it so we can see for once and for all if my uterus is in fact bicornuate. He said I'd have to wait for my next cycle, do the test, and then complete a whole other cycle before we could start trying. That means three months gone. And if it didn't work then, how many more months would be lost? He was very kind on the phone and in fairness his tone inferred he could not control my ultimate actions. It was me, nose to nose with him. Again.

I hung up the phone and yanked out my calendar. At best, even if we hit a home run on our first attempt we'd be looking at late in the summer and it's just not the right time for us. I know I should be shackled for even considering the luxury of a choice, when so many people are trying desperately to conceive. And trust me, some of my closest friends are in that position and I feel their agony myself. But as petty and fickle as it may seem, bottom line, I have to consider my family's best interests and my history. I'm pretty much guaranteed a pregnancy with plenty of bed rest and ideally that has to be done when Remo isn't stressed out of his mind, we have children that need to be commuted. He is way over his head in the summer and it just wouldn't work to have me parked in a bed the whole time. I have other cons that even I admit to being negligent, but they still hold weight; two weddings next summer, one on the other side of the country for my maid of honour, the other for Andree's daughter and my children will probably be in the wedding, it'll be Brandan's last summer before kindergarten. I want it to be memorable and I want to be part of all the preparations. For work, it'll be better for them to replace me before everyone's on vacation, although I'd already silent vowed to work my butt off from home if it would help them. I guess it seems foolish, but what about the clothes? Keep in mind we have four seasons, I have boy AND girl summer babies, imagine the waste if the clothes were a write off? Remember me, the long lost germ freak? I'm thinking it has to be better if a baby would be a bit older and stronger before it gets winter and flu season takes over. Then I started worrying about them actually doing the test. They'll be going right up into the uterus, what if oops, they bother it?

Remo and I talked over Dr. Bray's decision and couldn't figure out the point of doing this thing. If they find I don't have a bicornuate uterus it'll be a waste of a couple of good months, and if they do, then what? He'll tell me the good news is I carried two babies to term with it. It's not like he can fix it because I'm not really interested in a forging forward with a uterus that's been all mucked around with.

And that your honour is how I ended up partaking in a one shot deal. I spent a good hour with a pillow over my head thinking what the hell have we done, but I will live with all consequences. That I'm even admitting it and opening myself to public humiliation should be some indication that I've been careless but not so. My family and people I work with read this (a note to them by the way, your secrets are mine, please let mine be yours). Bottom line, whatever's meant to be will happen. The rest I can deal with. If deal isn't done, I'll put it all on hold.

So I got in my car this morning to drive to the train and guess who drove right by with a good morning wave. Dr. Bray lives close by and it feels like we're on the same schedule because I see him everywhere. I'm thinking that could work in my favour if he ever wanted to unload me for not listening. He'd just have to move. What if he thinks I'm stalking him? That afternoon, my phone rang and again it showed Dr. John Bray. This time, I couldn't gulp air because I couldn't even breath. It was Julie. She said they all sat together and ate that cake and swore it was the best they'd ever had, could they please have the recipe? I had someone at my desk so my side of the conversation was completely stunted and I held Julie hostage till I could blurt out I'm going for a one shot deal, if you want to tell him, tell him. This time even I'm wondering if I should've stopped the gene pool.

Please, if there's ONE of you out there who would've done things YOUR way, step forward. And if I'm really the only fly by the seat of my pants gal in these parts, well there's still the option where the connection didn't connect. I feel like a teenager.

I have a bunch of fun stuff to write about but this one entry zapped my time, and if you've made it this far, yours too. And speaking of connections, I read a great internet article on building the brains of our babies, some of you might be interested in;

""Your baby was born with about 100 billion brain cells. That's amazing enough — but what's happening now that he's a toddler is almost more so. Each of his brain cells is sending out and receiving electrical impulses called signals, which (with the help of brain chemicals like serotonin) create connections. Repetition turns these connections into the networks (often called wiring or circuitry) that allow him to think and learn. By his third birthday your toddler's brain will have formed about 1,000 trillion connections — about twice as many as you have! Right now, your toddler's brain is much denser than it will be later, and it's forging the pathways that it will follow for the rest of his life. A connection that's used repeatedly becomes permanent, whereas one that's not used (or is used infrequently) may not survive. That's why experts are now putting so much emphasis on the first three years: Everything you do with your toddler, from reading, singing, and playing to eating and walking, helps jump-start his brain. As you expose him to new sights, sounds, and sensations, you open his mind to a bigger, more exciting world. And when you use your imagination and encourage him to use his — "Look, I'm a tiger in the jungle!" "Let's pretend we're going on a long trip" — you spark his brain to forge "imagination pathways" of his own...""

http://www.babycenter.com/refcap/toddler/toddlerdevelopment/11544.html

Till next time,

Allisun