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Home › Diaries › Amanda › August 13, 2006

Amanda's Diary Entries

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We need more than an underwire

August 13, 2006

My last missal was full of complaints, mostly about how other people were intruding on my domain.  Since then I've had a chance to think about what I was really complaining about, and to talk to other mothers (and some non-mothers) about the horrors of female communication, especially around motherhood.  Not only are we as a whole unsupportive and judgemental, we can be downright nasty in expressing our opinions! 

Now, this doesn't apply to every group of women by any means.  Nor does it mean that women who are open with their opinions are always wrong for doing it.  But with that disclaimer, I would like to admonish anyone with ovaries to please, please be nicer to others with ovaries! 

Some examples:  I volunteer with Mother-to-Mother, a support hotline for women suffering post-partum depression.  It's a wonderful organization, filled with counselors, psychiatrists, and lay-people such as myself, often those who have been through PPD and want to help others through it.  At a thank-you brunch for the volunteers the other day, some of us began talking about the pressures put on us as mothers to be perfect.  The usual spate of baby magazines-parenting videos-news stories came up.  How could anyone match up to the perfect wardrobes, safe-but-educational toys, and creative play dates we are all supposed to have?  Yet I think that even new moms take most of that conditionally, and those who go whole-cloth learn after a few months that taking 45 minutes to dress an infant in full BabyGap regalia just so that the spit up or juice can stain in style 8 minutes later is not worth it. 

The pressure that can be most devastating is that put on us by other women.  Even before birth it starts-- Will you inoculate?  It could result in autism.  Are you going to stay home?  How could you stand that boredom?  Or, How can you think of leaving your helpless baby with some stranger?  Have you had the prenatal tests?  I know a woman who found out too late that her baby had _________ and it died right after it was born.  What are you going to name it?  Isn't that too common/ethnic?  Do you have all your things?  You must use _______ kind of bottle/swaddler/diapers!  Is your nursery done?  Isn't that too bright/dull for an infant? 

And then the birth.  Don't hold it that way.  Isn't she cold/hot?  Why aren't you breastfeeding/supplementing with formula?  Shouldn't you swaddle/play white noise/put her on her tummy?  My baby slept through the night at two weeks because we ____________.  Where's his hat?  You should give him vitamins.  Stop eating spicy foods to decrease his gas.  Drink wine or beer to increase your milk.  Don't share a bed.  Share a bed.  Sleep when your baby sleeps.  Aren't you in your pre-pregnancy clothes yet?

It keeps going, through walking advice, tantrum advice, more inoculation advice, attachment parenting, the move to the big-boy bed, whether or not to have pets in the house, how clean your floors should be, even whether to bathe with toys or without! 

And other mothers can be nasty.  Why tell a pregnant woman about your niece whose baby was born dead?  Or that your sister's gestational diabetes never went away?  I had a fairly well-off family member tell me when I went back to work part-time at three months that my career shouldn't be more important to me than watching my child (who was in the care of his father!) grow up.  I told her that my career wasn't, but that keeping a roof over our heads took priority for those 20 hours a week.  My younger sister, who had to return to work fairly soon and who was not invested in breastfeeding, had a family member show up at the hospital with nursing bras.  One of the mothers in my Mother-to-Mother organization was offended when told that if swaddling wasn't working with her twins, she wasn't doing it right.  Dr. Phil, Oprah and others constantly feature the "mommy wars"-- stay-at-home mothers vs. working mothers.  Never mind that most moms don't fully fit into either category, or that some mothers have to work due to finances, or that some mothers should never be left with their children full-time (I know some women whose presence is probably far more damaging than their absence would be). 

Health care in America sucks.  The economy sucks.  One paycheck is not enough for most families with the high cost of living in some areas and the low wages paid by many types of jobs.  Isolation among stay-at-home mothers is high and hard on many mothers.  Both sides have pluses and minuses. Instead of fighting for a better system, for a social support network that includes health care, paid maternity leave, babysitting co-ops, and lower-cost or free centers where mothers can learn and interact and children can play, we live up to our "catty" reputations by fighting each other.  As in my examples, these fights are not just on sensationalized talk shows.  It takes place in elevators at work, on the phone with family or friends, or in line at the local bakery.

Women who choose to parent-- and many women don't, in a myriad of ways-- should be respected and supported no matter what their choices about work, inoculation, sleep habits, or breastfeeding.  There may be "better" choices that apply to most people-- but what gives us the righteousness to judge the fit of that choice for another woman's life or children?  I'm not perfect-- we are saving for the therapist instead of college-- but I think I do the best I can, and my son seems happy and healthy.  But so does the daughter of the 16 year old across the street, and I'm not going to snub her or her choices because she chose a different path to raising her child than I did.  At least she's doing it. 

Think of those children whose parents abandon them, abuse them, starve them, neglect them...  Think of the millions of starving children around the world.  Think of the children whose parents have died.  Then ask yourself before you open your mouth:  Is the formula she's feeding her son important, or should I complement her on how healthy he looks?  I think we all know what the answer should be. 

In a few years time, I would like to see Oprah, Dr. Phil, and all those others who are feeding on the vindictiveness of women now trying to dictate how others should raise their kids hoisted on their own petard.  We should band together as women, robbing their shows of any cat fights and providing instead a focus on helping women through the isolation and confusion of parenting, the financial struggles that limit choices, and the poor social structure that provides no community resources. 

Remember how irked you were at the judgments, the unsolicited advice... and say something nice instead. 

Feel free to write in and vent about suggestions YOU were given. 



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