quick clicks

babies today articles

babies today q&a

toddlers today articles

toddlers today q&a

breastfeed.com articles

breastfeed.com q&a

message boards

research baby names

prepare a birth plan

content channels

ip channel rss feeds

read birth stories

read parenting stories

recommended books

e-newsletters

safety recalls

ip diaries

ip store

mom of the month

dad of the month

editor's letter

letters to the editor

Amanda's Diary Entries Diary Navigation: Choose A Diary Entry -------------------- Latest Entry: 4/9/07 -------------------- 3/12/07 2/16/07 1/5/07 11/29/06 11/13/06 10/27/06 10/11/06 9/19/06 8/13/06 7/30/06 7/19/06 7/15/06 7/4/06 6/26/06 6/21/06 6/19/06 -------------------- Amanda's Introduction

Where have all the snuggles gone?

July 19, 2006

Remember when your baby was so tiny he fit perfectly in the crook of your arm or that space between your neck and the edge of your shoulder?  All you did was breastfeed, looking into his eyes as he grasped your chest with his tiny fist...  and you couldn't wait for the day that he would stop needing to be held all the time, so that you could shower, or sleep, or make a real meal on the stove instead of in the hands-free microwave. 

I did.  I was touched out.  My son was a big baby, and he had to eat all the time just to get enough for his size.  Plus he was one of those delightful babies that love to be held-- and scream loud enough to wake the neighbors when he's not.  My husband and I took turns wearing grooves into the hall floor as we paced him to sleep, and we both quickly learned to check our e-mail one-handed.  I cherished the long showers I could take after my husband came home from work.  I volunteered to walk the dog even if it was raining.  Especially if it was raining!  I remember more than once telling my husband we could have sex only if he could do it without touching me.  It's actually possible, as most new parents will tell you.

Right now my toddler is downstairs playing with his "gampa".  He didn't even notice that I came upstairs to secret myself in my office.  I'm teaching two mornings a week and he's been going to a friend's house for those hours.  Now he's started asking to go to "Gwynne's hoss" whenever we get in the car (her house includes four children and three guinea pigs).  Is this the same child who would wail the whole 45 minutes while my husband and I tried to sneak off to the corner coffeeshop, leaving him in the hands of our sitter, a close family friend?   I should be happier-- my office is cleaned and organized for the first time in two years, my husband and I occasionally stay awake long enough to be intimate, and I can even shut the door while going to the potty.   

But last night Cai sat on my lap while I read him his bedtime story, and I realized it was the first time I'd gotten a cuddle all day.  Other than plopping him into his car seat or lifting him off of the table, I hadn't held him all day.  It's not that I don't try-- he used to hold out his arms for a hug, proclaiming "All Mine!" as he wrapped his small elbow around the crook of my neck-- but any request for an "all mine" now is routinely ignored in favor of sticking a screwdriver into his toy lawnmower or painting our extremely patient dog with permanent marker. 

And I miss the hot smell of his hair against my face and the gentle touch of his hand on my arm.  Come back, little man.  After this is school, and sports, and growing up until he's embarrassed that I am near at all.  Not yet!  Tonight I am going to find the longest book on his shelves...