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Home › Diaries › Amanda › July 4, 2006

Amanda's Diary Entries

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To conceive, or not to conceive?

July 4, 2006

Don't anyone buy me a swaddling blanket yet. Even if Ben and I decide to gift Mordecai with a sibling, we won't even be trying for another year. I'm just beginning to think that the window is closing on having another baby, even though six months ago I wanted to get pregnant immediately, and I was waiting impatiently for the IUD to come out this summer. So here I am, all in a muddle.

I really wanted to have a baby after my brother died. As crushed as I was by his death at 27, I would not have traded any of that hurt for one moment of having a brother. I want Cai to have that love; my brother and sisters and I fought frequently, but we also wrestled and played together and laughed all the time. Mostly at our parents, of course. *laugh* Ben and I had been talking about trying for a baby this summer anyway, but this made me sure that I wanted it to happen soon, so that Cai and baby would be close enough to really play together. I even started picking up some of the baby stuff that I'd passed on after Cai had gotten to big and which I knew we'd need again. Cai loves seeing babies, so it would be perfect timing for him.

And then life kept messing with our plans. Ben lost his job and had to take one that paid less. I received a graduate assistantship in my department for the fall which means that I have to take the maximum number of credit hours. I can barely handle 2/3 of that with my little monkey, so I know that pregnancy and all of that would be impossible. So, another year. And then the preschool we were hoping to get Cai into half days in the fall so that Ben and I could concentrate on school while he gets to play with the "babies" he's always clamoring for called and said he'd have to be on the waiting list for another year. Ben's graduating in May, so at least waiting will give us the chance to get settled with a concrete job and health insurance, right?

But lately Cai's been more difficult to deal with than ever before. I know, he's two, but it's harder than ever to reconcile who I am with the patient Mommy I'm supposed to be. He's finally independent enough that I'm spending time on my studies, getting my family photos scanned and organized, and despite the crumbs and crayon marks everywhere my house is actually cleaner and better organized than it's been in the last two years. And he's also more exhausting than ever—tantrums, rough bedtimes, crazy store monkey behavior, incessant repetitions—and I love him so much for doing all that and for cuddling against me after his naps and grinning at me with his mouth full of forbidden cookies that I fall into bed exhausted every night. So how can I do it again? More years of mess, exhaustion, and not enough time for me or him. Plus with every new phase he goes through and every life change we go through as a family, Ben and I have a tense adjustment period. Sometimes it's pretty rough. Can I do that again? We're finally able to spend time together to balance out those rough spots. Babysitters for two kids are harder to find than sitters for one...

It is tough, too, to look down the road at the fact that at the end of this school year I should be done with my classes and Cai will be old enough to be in preschool more regularly, and say that I'm not going to use the opportunity to work and pay off more of the house, our student loans, or save up for Cai's school tuition. And if I get more into a career, into a well-ordered life, will I really want to put another 3-year gap into it? Especially with Cai getting to the point where he'll be too old to be close to another baby if we wait much longer.

And then I think that it will be rough on Cai to be an only child; I love my siblings, even if we haven't always gotten along. We depend on each other, especially in times like the recent tragedy—how would Cai deal with things alone? Ben's father died last month, and Ben is struggling to deal with the death and with the details of the estate by himself. Plus, while I hope nothing happens to Cai ever—just the thought of it makes me feel devastated—what if something does? I know that much of the reason my father is able to go on after what happened to my brother is my sisters and I and our children.

But I'm finally getting to sleep for the first time in two years. And I'm getting to see movies again, and see my husband as more than my co-parent.

I know decisions don't have to be made right now, but what I feel right now does affect how I pursue my immediate future. I just wish I could do it now, as we had originally planned. There is always a reason why things happen, though. I'm just getting impatient to know what reason holds for my future.

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