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Toddlers Who Run the Show
Tips for Dealing with the Strong-willed Child
By Shannon McKelden
According to Greene, who is also a licensed marriage and family therapist, take-charge toddlers can be decisive and verbally expressive. "It's important to remember that toddlers are multi-faceted and not always strong-willed," she says. "They can be gentle. Trying to focus on the other parts of the child is important. Encouraging strong will can work later in life when a child can say 'no' to an influential peer group."
Kathy Teel's strong-willed daughter grew from a tantrum-throwing toddler when she didn't get to do things her way into an amazing kid. "She's the natural leader in any group," says the Mount Vernon, Mo., mom. "She makes plans and organizes people – she recently organized a fund-and-food drive at our church for our local no-kill animal shelter. And she has a good heart; she cares about people and animals and always does what she can to help."
The trick to working with a strong-willed toddler is to try to eliminate the struggles. "Truthfully, I have to pick my battles," Molson says. "However, in those times when I feel he is not listening to something I place high value on, such as not coloring his hands with a red permanent marker, I take him aside and try to reason with him. I have found that screaming and yelling just exacerbates the situation – he is already intense enough in that moment."
Dr. Kapalka believes another important part of gaining the upper hand is follow through. "Do not issue a command or a threat if you really do not mean what you say," Dr. Kapalka says.
Incentives worked well for Carla Molino of Syndey, Australia. "My toddler was very motivated by animals so she had to earn one," Molino says. "[We set up a] dog chart with things on it like going to bed without crying or sitting in the car seat." When her daughter succeeded, she could put a star on the chart. "We would talk about dogs, ask people to pat their dog, etc. This chart saved our lives because her behavior changed for the better."