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Home › Articles › Socializing › Painful Partings

Painful Partings

Helping Toddlers and Parents Cope with Separation Anxiety

By Katherine Bontrager

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This experienced mom thinks it's important that her son sees her leave and hears a promise of her return. "I don't want him to be afraid that I will disappear unexpectedly, and seeing me depart lets him know that yes, I am actually gone, but I talked to him about it and I will return as promised," Chessman says. "I'll fully admit that it's heartbreaking to hear your child cry like that, especially knowing that if you come back, the child will stop crying and be happy, at least temporarily. But again, as long as I know he isn't really hurt or sick or in some kind of danger, I feel like it works better all around if I just leave. I may have to take a minute or two in the car [afterwards] to remind myself that what I'm doing is right! But it always works out fine in the end, and by the time I come to pick him up, he doesn't even remember that he had a fit when I left."

Epstein says avoiding the problem won't help matters. "Not leaving your child with a babysitter because you don't want her to cry or staying at daycare for an extra 15 minutes to settle her down will only exacerbate the problem," she says.

Giguere urges parents to get to know – and be very comfortable with – their caregiver, which will help with these angst-filled moments. "For most parents, it is impossible to leave their child with a stranger and feel good about it," she says.

Giguere recommends several pre-visits to put everyone at ease. "Then, prepare the caregiver by providing comfort items (stuffed animal, blanket, photo of the family) and by letting her/him know that you expect an intense reaction and what strategies might help," she says. "Possibly most important of all is to develop a routine that is rock-solid predictable – do not vary. For example: Say good morning to the teacher, look at all the choices that are available that day, read a book, say goodbye and, tears or no tears, leave. Do not linger, do not say goodbye five times – go. Over time, the child will learn that s/he cannot control the adults and ultimately that is very comforting to children. All the work that parents have done before this moment will have been well worth the effort. The child will have already dealt with upset moments without an adult rushing in to make it better and s/he will have developed some coping and recovery strategies."


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