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Home › Articles › Family › Goodbye, Daddyfish

Goodbye, Daddyfish

Lessons Toddlers and Preschoolers Can Learn from the Death of a Pet

By Mark Stackpole

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After those unexpected tears, I began to wonder whether or not there was a right answer for parents seeking to help their small children get over a death. Scoff at the loss of a fish all you want, but life is about loss, and learning to deal with it on any level is as important as it is emotionally challenging. I wanted to help Corinne understand and accept death, knowing full well that a toddler or preschooler is not yet capable of doing either.

An Expert Weighs In

"Parents misunderstand that children can understand that this loss is a permanent one," says Dr. Stephanie LaFarge, director of Counseling Services for The American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals (ASPCA). "They know that they miss their pet, but they also believe that he's still around somewhere. This is quite a significant moment, and it cannot be disguised or covered up. The first thing is to be honest, no matter what the age of the child. Be honest with yourself and with your child about what happened and what you are feeling."

Though pets are certainly members of the family, no one consciously plans to use the death of a pet as "practice" for the larger losses of loved ones. That said, this is exactly what these situations are, and if parents can recognize that, they can teach their children a great deal about death.

"In the case of an anticipated death, it may mirror what is happening and going to happen, with regards to an elderly or ill relative," LaFarge says. "By being able to talk about the sickness of a pet, a parent can put a name to the disease or describe what is occurring in an age-appropriate way." But rather than face the grief head-on, many parents end up marginalizing the grief, both for themselves and for the children. While adults can downplay their feelings of grief, a child doesn't really have that ability.


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Lessons Children Can Learn from the Death of a Pet by Shelley on 09/02/2009 11:46AM

We had our dog put down, and it was much harder than we imaged. Our little ones were crushed, but it opened up some really good topics of conversation.

Re: Goodbye, Daddyfish by barb on 11/11/2008 03:20PM

What an absolute darling article. The author tells his story so well, then loved getting even more advice from an actual childhood expert. We buried our dog a few months ago, and the kids were devastated. So sad if they have to learn this lesson so early, but a reality.

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