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Toddlers Testing Limits
How to Minimize Conflicts and Maximize Cooperation
By Amy Henry
The ticklish task parents face is to help the toddler mesh her needs and desires with those of other family members and the larger social world beyond. She must learn she can't have everything her own way.
"Toddlers really have no clue that they cannot be king or queen of their world," says Dr. Ari Brown, a pediatrician and co-author of Toddler 411 (Windsor Peak Press, 2006).
Dr. Brown believes toddlers are greatly relieved when parents enforce clear, consistent boundaries, but she cautions not to expect results overnight. "[Your toddler] will test the same misbehavior 20 times to make sure you really meant 'no' when you said it the other 19 times," she says.
Dr. Lieberman agrees. "Internalization of rules happens by repetition, just as habits get built up with practice," she says. "Parents need to be prepared to repeat a rule many times."
Repetition is crucial because a toddler's capacity to remember is still limited. What you said yesterday is, at best, hazy today. To help your toddler's recall, try stating limits in a few, simple words – for example, when the crayons come out, remind her: "Paper only." Use the same words each time, and speak them face to face, at eye level with your toddler.
Even when a toddler understands and wants to cooperate, she may still have difficulty complying on command. Children under 2 are not neurologically capable of an immediate response. They may continue hammering on the table even as the message to stop travels their neural circuits. If the activity is destructive or dangerous – pounding a fist on glass – simply scoop up the child and save the talk about limits until you are safely settled together elsewhere.