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Toddler Meltdowns in Public
Why Are Some Toddlers Angels at Home and Terrors While Out?
By Amy Henry
Dr. Karp has developed a method he calls "toddler-ese" for talking to toddlers in tantrum mode. "When a [toddler] is upset, you mirror back a little bit of their feelings," he says. This technique uses exaggerated facial expressions and voice, as well as words, to reflect what the child is experiencing.
"Toddlers are very observant of non-verbal communication," Dr. Karp says. An upset child is watching the parent's face and listening to the tone of voice to see if the parent "gets" her feelings. She doesn't want an ultra-calm parent, Dr. Karp says. She wants someone who understands.
Baptista discovered the power of acknowledging feelings when her son had a major meltdown as the family was watching a swim meet at the local pool. "He wanted to be in the pool," she says. "When I said no, he started screaming."
The family left, but the tantrum continued. "I finally stopped everything, pulled the stroller to the side of the road and picked him up," Baptista says. "I said, 'I know you want to go in the pool. You want to swim. You're angry you can't.'" Her son calmed, and she was able to assure him the swim meet was only for that one day.
Acknowledging a child's feelings doesn't mean giving into her demands. "We can all live without getting everything we want," Dr. Karp says. "What we can't live without is the love, respect and caring of the people closest to us."
Is discipline ever called for when toddlers explode? "I don't think discipline, the way it is usually used, makes much sense for this age group," Cohen says. He points out that the root meaning of discipline is "to teach." "This is an age to slowly teach them how to handle frustration, how to wait and cooperate," Cohen says. "They learn these things best by love and affection, not by bribes or threats or yelling."