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Effective Discipline for Toddlers
Tips on Coping with the "No" Phase By Margorie Sims
At some defining moment, your baby becomes a toddler. It may take you completely by surprise, but you'll know when it happens. The two of you will be casually shopping or strolling across the parking lot hand in hand when suddenly she will demand her freedom with a stomp, a scream or a defiant "NO!" How should parents cope with taxing toddlers during this phase of childhood? Create a plan and be prepared.
"The toddler years are years when children begin individuating from their parents," says Dr. Margaret Koraneck, a psychologist for Lebonheur (Hospital) Center for Children and Parents in Memphis, Tennessee.
"When they begin this process, they need two things. First, a lot of nurturing. Secondly, encouragement toward independence." Dr. Koraneck suggests these two goals be accomplished in children by giving them many choices during this phase, but making sure the choices are safe. For instance, she says, don't let them choose whether or not they will hold your hand, but do let them choose which hand they will hold.
Anita Urban of Moscow, Tenn. sees the reach for independence almost daily in her 22-month-old son, Peter. For Peter, the most effective means of discipline has proven to be immediate, consistent reproof.
"Oftentimes he will try to get into things that are not safe, such as under the bathroom or kitchen sink and ... the Christmas tree," she says. "There are days when we have battle after battle, and I am sure he is not getting it. But I have found if I firmly tell him, 'No' accompanied by a swat on the hand, if necessary, he does get the message."
Urban says she realized his ability to understand recently when Peter walked up to the fireplace and, pointing a chubby finger, said, "No! No! No!"
When parents make limits a priority, they are not only teaching internal discipline but also safety, nurturing and values which will carry the child through his adult life. "Remember, you're the parent. Toddlers can be extremely bossy, therefore it is important for the parents to set good limits," says Dr. Koraneck.
Robert Miller, a father of seven from Cordova, Tenn., agrees. "I've found it is during this phase when leadership is established," he says. "If you don't get the message across during this crucial time that you're in charge, you can count on being the one the other parents talk about in the grocery store or restaurant."
Dr. Koraneck also encourages parents to ignore the inevitable tantrums toddlers often throw. "It is okay, even healthy, for a toddler to want her freedom," she says. "But it is up to parents to ensure their message still gets across." Especially in instances such as sitting in their car seats or holding hands in the parking lot, she adds. Parents should compel children to do what they want them to do, despite the tantrums.