728x90
my iParenting
From Our Sponsors
e-newsletters
Sign up to receive our free weekly e-newsletters

new terms of use
new privacy policy
award-winning products
The iParenting Media Awards program helps parents find the best products for their families.
Home › Articles › Development › Strangers and Separation

Strangers and Separation

Coping With Your Toddler's Anxiety

By Kelly Burgess

Pages:  1  2  

It's an adorable sight up to a point: a big-eyed toddler tucking her little head into her mommy's neck when someone speaks to her. But when that shyness turns to screaming, it can be stressful and embarrassing especially if that "stranger" is actually her grandma!

According to Brenda Nixon, parenting speaker and author of Parenting Power in the Early Years (WinePress Publishing, 2001), stranger anxiety and its cousin, separation anxiety, won't last forever, but may continue to occasionally make an appearance for as long as five years. The good news is that it's also a perfectly normal reaction that shows that your child is beginning to understand some very fundamental facts about his or her little world.

Different Terms, Same Reaction
Stranger anxiety and separation anxiety are not the same thing, but they both often result in a crying, clinging toddler. With stranger anxiety, a child will react negatively to the face of someone she perceives to be new. The key word there is "perceive" because at this age, a child's memory is still developing, and toddlers will forget someone they don't see often.

Separation anxiety, on the other hand, often begins at about 6 months, when the child begins to learn that Mommy (or Daddy) still exists even if she can't see them. Before that it was out of sight, out of mind. Now they know the person they want is just around the corner and can probably be brought back with a loud yell.

"Although this may be frustrating to the parent that the child doesn't want to be separated from, it is actually a bonding compliment," says Nixon. "Socially, the child is learning how to cope with fearful situations."

Answering Anxiety
Whether it's separation anxiety or stranger anxiety, Nixon says that the first time it happens, a parent needs to be very reassuring.

"We need to be respectful of our child's feelings and adapt our parenting style to their particular needs at the moment," says Nixon. "It's important to stay very calm and be reassuring. Then, when the situation is less volatile, take a look at what happened, and try to find out if there is a mitigating factor, such as hunger or fatigue."

With separation anxiety in a preschool situation, Nixon, like most experts, says that walking away is generally the best thing to do, but there's not always one right answer either. A parent has to trust her judgment and remember that she knows her child best.

However, Nixon does urge parents to remember that their child is very young and has a different perception of time and importance than an adult. If a parent is going to leave an upset child, he or she should look the child in the eye and say, "I remember where you are." After all, your child sees you lose your keys, the walk-around phone or the shopping list; as far as they're concerned, you may "lose" them as well.

"Reassure them that you won't forget them and that you'll be back to get them, and then turn and walk briskly away," says Nixon. "If you hesitate, it sends a message that you're not really sure of leaving them there. It's always hard to ignore a child's tears and push them to confront their fears, but you also want them to grow in independence."

Pages:  1  2  


Want to see more?