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Home › Articles › Socializing › Toddlers Who Run the Show

Toddlers Who Run the Show

Tips for Dealing with the Strong-willed Child

By Shannon McKelden

Pages:  1  2  3  4  

Rosemary O'Neill, a mom from North Bend, Wash., has not one, but two toddlers who want to be in charge. After having an extremely well-behaved son, the O'Neills felt unprepared for twins with completely opposite personalities. "It seemed as if we'd never get them to hear what we were saying: 'Don't put that fork in the electrical socket,' 'Don't remove the electrical socket protector,' 'Don't eat the electrical socket protector,' etc.," she says.

The O'Neills eventually evolved a very effective strategy:

1. Avoid the word "no" when possible. "Both of the twins respond better when we turn the negative into a positive," O'Neill says. "Example – if one of them is dragging a stool across the floor, I might say 'Thanks for helping me keep that stool where it belongs,' rather than the instinctive 'Do not drag that stool!'"

2. Diversion tactics. "If a battle of the twin strong wills is arising (perhaps fighting over a McDonald's toy), say something like 'Hey, let's color together.' Usually, the toy is left spinning in the dust," she says.

3. Make them think it was their idea. "For example, if you want them to clean up toys, say something like 'Would you rather clean up the family room or your bedroom?' Either option works for you, and they feel that they got to participate in the plan," she says.

Also, one of O'Neill's key strategies is ensuring each child gets undivided, eye-contact attention each day. "Essentially, with a strong-willed toddler, you need to have a Master's degree in psychology!" O'Neill says.

The Power of Offering Choices

"Most toddlers could be viewed as strong-willed," says clinical psychologist, Pamela Garcy. "It is a developmental phase and it is normal for them to want to run the show!"

Dr. Garcy, the author of The Power of Inner Guidance: Seven Steps to Tune In and Turn On (iUniverse, 2007), believes the secret is to allow them to be a part of decision making when possible. "Toddlers are beginning to experience their independence, so they enjoy making small decisions!" she says. "They'll be happier and distracted by the decision making, as you get them to do what you want them to do."

Here are some of Dr. Garcy's examples of good choices to offer your toddler:

At a restaurant (your goal is to get them to sit and eat for a while):

  • Do you want to sit in the middle of us or on the end of the table?
  • Do you want to use your fork or your fingers to eat that?
  • Do you want to use a straw or a sippy cup?
  • Do you want milk or juice?
  • Do you want a bib or a napkin?

    In the car (your goal is to get them buckled up and get from point A to point B):

  • Do you want to hear your music or read your book?
  • Do you want to hold your teddy bear or buckle him up beside you?
  • Do you want to bring one or two books with us?

    "Do not give toddlers the power to make decisions that affect you, however," Dr. Garcy says. "Limit the decision making to small things that don't matter too much to others."


    • Pages:  1  2  3  4  


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