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Painful Partings
Helping Toddlers and Parents Cope with Separation Anxiety
By Katherine Bontrager
Parents can expect separation anxiety to kick into high gear as early as 9 months, says Christine Giguere, the founder and director of one of the oldest childcare establishments, Lexington Playcare Center, in Lexington, Mass.
And be ready for the long haul, because the stage can last until a child is 2 years old, says Susan Epstein, a licensed clinical social worker, parenting coach, owner of Parenting Powers and mother of two. "When a baby is born the infant has no sense of time," she says. "When the child begins to notice a parent's departure, the child experiences this as if the parent will never return. As the child develops a sense of memory, the child realizes that Mommy will come back, because she came back the last time."
But now that you're fortified against the tears, is there anything you can do to encourage the passage of this seemingly never-ending phase?
"Kids are all so different," Giguere says. "The relaxed, easy-going, anxiety-free type of kid needs almost nothing except a positive, happy parent who projects the feeling that s/he is going to have fun today. The nervous, timid, slow-to-warm-up child needs lots of prep. When these more anxious kids are very young, parents need to increasingly delay their response to their cries or demands. It's very hard to do, because our instinct is to respond very quickly to a child who cries with such intensity. However, even these kids can learn to wait 10 seconds while Mom or Dad finishes putting the milk in the fridge or 30 seconds while they finish a phone conversation. It's painful, but it's an investment in their future happiness."
