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Painful Partings
Helping Toddlers and Parents Cope with Separation Anxiety
By Katherine Bontrager
Chessman says that she's seen this scenario play out time and time again. "Sometimes it can even take longer than five minutes for the child to become acclimated," she says. "But if you're dealing with a competent caregiver and the parent is brave enough of heart to realize that the crying doesn't mean the child is actually being hurt in any way, then it will work its way out. In the end, the parent, caregiver and child will all reap the benefits of the situation."
It's just this sort of parental fortitude that Dr. Aaron Cooper, a clinical psychologist with The Family Institute at Northwestern University and co-author of I Just Want My Kids to Be Happy! Why You Shouldn't Say It, Why You Shouldn't Think It, What You Should Embrace Instead (Late August Press, 2008), recommends.
"How to feel good about handing over a screaming child to another caregiver?" Dr. Cooper asks. "It starts with attitude, with the right child-rearing philosophy. Millions of loving parents have signed on to the misguided approach: 'I just want my kids to be happy.' They've become a kind of Happiness Police, seeking out and thwarting anyone and anything that might erase the smile on a son or daughter's face."
It's a tough moment for loving parents – a child crying when handed over to another caregiver, Dr. Cooper says. "For the child, it's a moment of adversity," he says. "But good parenting recognizes that encounters with ordinary adversity, beginning in the toddler years, are a natural and vital part of childhood. It's how resilience develops, the all-important ability to ride out the ups and downs of life without falling off the horse. Parents will feel better about moments of tears and upset when they remind themselves that when children face adversity, it builds the emotional muscles they'll need for a lifetime."
