Painful Partings

Helping Toddlers and Parents Cope with Separation Anxiety

By Katherine Bontrager

It's heartwarming when your little one adores you, clings to you and loves you above all else. But sometimes this stage can get pretty intense, to the point that Baby screams for anyone and everyone but Mom. It's exhausting and frustrating. Is there anything moms and dads can do to encourage the passage of this seemingly never-ending stage? How can moms learn to feel good about handing over a screaming child to another caregiver?

"As a parent of one (and one on the way) and a former babysitter and daycare employee, I can tell you that the best thing a parent can do is trust that the child will stop screaming about five minutes after you leave the room," says Holly Chessman from Bedford, Mass. "It's important to understand that the child is not in any pain or real distress – he or she just wants the parent back. If you come back, then the child learns that screaming is the way to deal with the issue, and that doesn't bode well for anyone involved in the situation."

Chessman learned this truth early. "One of the babysitting jobs I had in college involved taking care of a 2-year-old while his parents were in another part of the house grading papers and doing graduate schoolwork," she says. "The first time I came to the house, the mother handed me her son and left the room. The boy started screaming and crying and the mother came running back into the room. After about the third time of sitting through this, I said to her, 'Please do me a favor. After you leave the room, no matter how much crying you hear, please just wait 10 minutes. If he's still crying at that point, feel free to come back in and we can see what we can do.' After some pleading, she finally agreed to this plan. Lo and behold, once the boy realized that Mommy wasn't coming back at the sound of his cries, he let himself be distracted and within five minutes we were playing happily together."

Want to see more?

• Check out our Article Library.
• The Big Red Kiss: Working Through Separation Anxiety
• The Parent Preference: Tips for Handling Attachment Anxiety
• Mommy, Don't Go! Handling Separation Anxiety
• Talk about it!