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Home › Articles › Transracial Adoption › The Hurting Child

The Hurting Child

Managing the Aftermath of Adoption

By Sue Marquette Poremba

Pages:  1  2  3  

  • Increased acting out as family bonds grow closer
    • Soothing the Pain
    Even if the child can't verbally explain howhe feels or whyhe feels that way, the parents and families can take steps to soothe the child's emotional pain.

    "Parents should put themselves mentally or emotionally into the child's situation and do it without sentimentalizing it,"Axness says. She recommends trying to find out as much as possible about the child's life before the adoption, including visiting the places the child lived, if possible. "Parents need to see that painful things have happened," she says.

    Axness tells the story of one mother she counseled who had adopted a child from Romania. "The mother held her daughter and just started talking, telling the story of her daughter's life, said with a lot of empathy," she says. As the mother spoke, she could feel the shift in her daughter's body language. The child softened and opened herself to her new family.

    Experts also say to gently hold the child, providing physical comfort as much as the child will let you. Tem recommends finding a mental health therapist who is familiar with the issues of adopted children and their families. Parents should try to find support groups. Lilani says while parents need to be empathetic, they can't condone or tolerate poor behavior. "The child still needs to learn how to behave in society," she says.

    Finally, Lilani says to remember that this is a difficult transition period for everyone. "Parents must understand that this is not a personal rejection or a lack of parenting skills," she says. "There are differences between raising an adopted and biological child."

    Tem agrees. "When parents suspect their children may be in pain because of things that happened to them in earlier situations, the most fundamental response needs to be a re-statement that their parental commitment is forever and unconditional," she says.

    Showing that love and commitment, no matter what, is the first and best step to healing the hurting child.

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